


Ride the Whirlwind

by smiles2go



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Amnesia, Gen, Multiverse, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-09
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 16:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smiles2go/pseuds/smiles2go
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gallifrey is pulled back into the timelock at the End of Time, the Master is lost in the void.  This is how he found a place to belong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Standard Disclaimer: Don’t own it, or the Master would be in every episode.
> 
> This is set just after the End of Time. Gallifrey is pulled back into the Time Lock. The Master isn’t.

*o* 

_**He’s to blame, not me. Oh, the link is inside my head. Kill me, the link gets broken. They go back. You never would, you coward. Go on then, do it! Exactly! It’s not just me, he’s the link, kill him.** _

_The final act of your life is murder. But which one of us?_

_Get out of the way. The link is broken. Back into the time war, Rassilon. Back into hell._

_Gallifrey falling! Gallifrey falls!_

_You’ll die with me Doctor._

_I know. ___

___**Get out of the way. You did this to me. All of my life! You made me! One! Two! Three! FOUR!** _ _ _

__*o*_ _

__

__The Time Lock snapped shut leaving me outside, alone in the void beyond space and time. In the silence, the terrible silence, I felt a link, a lifeline. A tiny golden thread linking me to …to someone. Couldn’t remember who, but it was someone important, someone …I couldn’t remember._ _

__*o*_ _

__Following the thread to the eye of the whirlwind, I marveled at its terrible beauty._ _

__*o*_ _

__Standing alone in the eye of the storm I watched the whirlwind roar around me, a whirlwind consisting of panes, thousands upon thousands of panes holding pictures, memories, voices, snippets of my life all jumbled together tumbling end over end, round and round racing by almost in a blur of color and sound. What Was, What is and What Will Be, all mixed with What Might Have Been, What isn’t and What Won’t Be. All are real and I can step into any one I choose, but I need to find the one I belong in _now,_ my now. In the rest, a version of me exists or existed. If I choose the wrong memory, I’ll be cast out, back into the storm, alone again. Or I can choose to come back. Somehow I know all this without thinking about it. Maybe I’ve been here before. Maybe I’ve always been here._ _

__I reached out to grab one, grab anything before being swept away. With no memory of self, no memory of the voices or faces I don’t know which to choose. All I know is they were mine or could be mine. Desperately, I leaned into the fury and closed my fingers over a pane holding fields of tall red grass and instantly I was running through the fields._ _

__“Hurry up! They’re going to catch us!” The dark-haired boy running ahead of me turns a laughing face with dark eyes. “Come on!” He grabbed my hand and pulled. Stumbling along after him, I stared at our hands, my hand is a boy’s hand. The link is strong here, but I know I am not a boy. With regret, I let go of the hand, the memory._ _

__*o*_ _

__Standing in the eye again, eyes narrowed I reach for the face of a slender man with dark eyes, different eyes, but somehow the same._ _

__“Let me help you.” The tall, slender man in a brown trench coat over a blue suit bent toward me as I slumped forward on the park bench. The sun is hot and I feel sleepy._ _

__“Who are you?” Something about the eyes is familiar, but I don’t know him. “Do you know me?” I looked up with hope, hands twisting together on my lap. “Do you know who I am?”_ _

__“Yes.” He frowned and crouched before me, tails of his coat in the grass. Something about the grass, it’s the wrong color, shouldn’t be green. I frowned at the grass._ _

__“Why is the grass green?” I asked him, this man who I knew had all the answers. “Why did they cut it?” I shook my head and frowned at the grass. “It’s not supposed to be green.”_ _

__He looked down at the grass in confusion, then back at my face. Sadness filled his eyes and I wanted to soothe that sadness but didn’t know how. _He_ should not be sad._ _

__“Am I the Doctor?” I asked, remembering a word, a name repeating over and over in the whirlwind. It must have significance, to be repeated so often by many voices. Maybe it was me._ _

__“No.” He said gently. “You’re not.” Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out a sonic device and scanned me with a blue light. I’d seen one of those before. Mine wasn’t sonic, of course, it was... it was..._ _

__I reached out and touched his dark, spiky hair and he jerked back as if I’d struck him, almost losing his balance. I only wanted to see if it was soft. Slowly I lowered my hand and he reached out and took it._ _

__“Master?” He pressed my hand between both of his. He had soft hands, mine were rough, hardened hands, looking out of place in his. “Master?” He repeated again and I looked away from our hands to his face._ _

__“Master.” I tasted the word. “What does that mean?”_ _

__The furrow between his eyes grew deeper and he bit his lip. “What do you remember?” He finally said. “Do you remember the drums?”_ _

__“The grass isn’t supposed to be green.” I looked away, behind him at the park. I knew what a park was, that was something right? A park, sky and grass and trees, but all the wrong colors. This must be the wrong place, not my place._ _

__“Master?” He wiggled our hands to get my attention and smiled sadly. “Let me help you. I can help you.” He seemed desperate to try._ _

__“You seem very kind.” I whispered. “But I don’t belong here, I think.” Tugging my hand free, I was swept away again in a dizzy blur. When I opened my eyes, my hand was still out and I could feel the edges of memories clipping my fingers as they raced by._ _

__*o*_ _

__Closed my eyes and chose randomly. Crowds, shouting, a hand on my arm. Opened my eyes and was standing on a platform, in front of a microphone, a pretty blond on my arm._ _

__People cheered. “Harold Saxon!” They shouted over and over. Harold Saxon. I’d heard that name in the whirlwind. Looked up to see posters of a dark haired, suave man. Was that me? The name was written in giant letters across the bottom. HAROLD SAXON, PRIME MINISTER._ _

__The blond laughed and hugged me. I looked down at her without recognition. She obviously knew me, cared for me or was that fear deep in her eyes. Was I someone to be feared in this place? Looked back at the posters. PRIME MINISTER._ _

__No, I wasn’t a Minister, I had another title…something like that, but not that. No, this was the wrong place as well. Tugging my arm free from her hand, I let go and was back in the eye of the storm._ _

__*o*_ _

__Feeling for the golden thread, I chose again. Sneering at a young blond man in a some-what white coat sporting a sprig of celery of all things, I lifted my chin and watched him, sneer turning to agony as the flames eat at me, I can’t escape. Help, I screamed, but he watched impassively, those same sad eyes. I shook free of that one and hearts pounding I’m back in the whirlwind._ _

__Too many golden threads to follow, but I must try them all. One of them leads home and home is where everyone wants to be right? Home … I try to remember home, thinking I can grab it as it goes by. Red grass, but not the boy. Looking desperately for red grass, as the memory snippets whirl by, there is only one more and it is burning, burning and screaming red grass. How can grass scream? So the red grass was gone, perhaps I should’ve stayed with the man in the park, the kind man with soft hands._ _

__*o*_ _

__My hand closed on a picture of a blue police box. I walk around and around it. The door is locked so I sit down on the road to wait and fall asleep, my back against the doors._ _

__“You!” He stopped a few feet away to study me, this curly-haired man with an impossibly long, multi-colored scarf. “What are you doing here?” He doesn’t come any closer but I see he has the same sad eyes._ _

__“Do you know me? Do you know my name?” I get to my feet and take a step toward him. He takes an equal step back so I stop. “Is this your police box?” I asked._ _

__“Yes.” He says slowly frowning at me. “What happened to you?” He took a tentative step closer and reached out a hand to touch my forehead. “You’re burning up.”_ _

__“Can’t be.” I shake my head. “It’s so very cold out there.” I can still feel the shivering inside, cold enough to burn the soul._ _

__“Out where?” He asked taking my hands, turning them over to examine the palms._ _

__“In the whirlwind.” Doesn’t he know about the whirlwind. “Do you know my name?”_ _

__“Yes.” He looked up at me quickly, looked me up and down. “You’re out of your time.” He said after studying my clothes. “Do you know where you are?”_ _

__“I have a time?” I ask pleased. I have a time. I belong somewhere, but where?_ _

__“Everyone has a time.” He frowned at me. “Time Lords have many, many times.”_ _

__“Time Lords? What’s a Time Lord?” I ask anxiously. This word was also spoken in the whirlwind._ _

__He looked back at my hands held in his. His aren’t soft, but not calloused either._ _

__“We’re Time Lords.” He said after a moment. “You and me.”_ _

__“So you know my name?” I asked again ready to tug my hands away. “Think you could just sort of say it out loud?” His frown deepened and he looked in my eyes._ _

__“Master.” He said it softly. “Your name is the Master.”_ _

__“No.” I’d already tasted and rejected that word. “That’s not a name.” I shook my head tugging my hands back. His hands tightened on mine, holding me prisoner. “That’s not me.” Wrong again._ _

__“You chose it yourself.” He shook his hair out of his eyes and grinned showing lots of teeth. “What happened to you?”_ _

__“My name is not Master.” I jerked my hands free and was gone. “This isn’t my place.” I whispered to nothing._ _

__*o*_ _

__Back in the whirlwind I tried listening to the words for a change. There were names and phrases repeated in different voices. Underneath it all I thought I heard the beat of drums. One, Two, Three, FOUR._ _

__I grabbed onto a memory pane at random and looked up into more of the same sad, dark eyes of a man standing very close to me. I blinked and he reached up and cupped my cheek, thumb rubbing across my lips._ _

__“Who are you?” I whispered. He looked a lot like the man in the park, but he wore no coat._ _

__He dropped his hand and frowned at me. “Koschei? What’s wrong?” His eyes bored into me, sad eyes looking for answers I didn’t have._ _

__“Koschei? Is that my name?” I reached out and touched his hair. It was soft. “You’re the first one who isn’t afraid to let me touch them.” I touched his cheek, his skin was cool._ _

__“What happened to you?” He put both hands on my shoulders and pushed me backwards till my legs hit something and I sat abruptly. He took a chair across from me and I looked around. This was a nice place, an impersonal place. Maybe a hotel room._ _

__“Koschei? What happened?” He asked urgently. “What’s wrong?”_ _

__“Do I belong here?” I asked looking back at him, His tie is undone and hanging loose, not like him I think. Not… “What color is the grass?”_ _

__“What?” He looks at me and looks around for grass. “Who was afraid to let you touch them?” He leaned forward, elbows on knees staring at me. “What happened?”_ _

__“You. Them. The other ones with the sad eyes.”_ _

__“Are you time skipping?” He stood and looked around, finally knelt in front of me._ _

__Don’t take my hands, I think. That’s been a bad sign so far. I liked it here and I don’t want to go. This one is nice and I sensed he liked me…maybe even …loved me._ _

__“Do you love me?” I asked without thinking. He smiled suddenly, like everything was alright again._ _

__He took my hands and I sighed, staring at them. His hands were soft too and I held them tightly knowing what was going to happen and wanting to stop it._ _

__“Yes.” He answered softly. “And you love me.” My eyes flashed on his a moment. Someone loved me. That’s a good thing, but I wasn’t sure I loved. Could I love? Maybe that was why I was cast into the void._ _

__“You haven’t told me your name.” I said squeezing his hands tightly. I could try, I could try to love him. I pleaded with whatever power is in charge. Let me stay here, let me try._ _

__“You know my name.” Frowning, he tugged at his hands, and I squeezed harder. No, not yet. Please no. “I told you a long time ago.”_ _

__“No.” I shook my head. “Tell me who you are. Please, before it’s too late.”_ _

__But he didn’t listen, merely jerked his hands free instead and I was gone._ _

__Back at the whirlwind, I looked up through the eye and couldn’t see the end of the panes, they went on and on forever. Have I lived forever? Surely one man can’t have all these memories, it would take lifetimes to gather this many panes. Laughing to myself, I imagine taking lifetimes finding the right one._ _

__What if I don’t know which is the right one? What if I finally make it through them all and I don’t find one I belong to? Then what? Please, I beg you. Find me a place to belong. I must belong! I must!_ _

__Jumping high, I grabbed a pane and jerked it down. And found myself standing against the corner of a building. I’m waiting on a man to come around the corner. He doesn’t know I’m there. Scuffing in the gravel tells me he’s close. Reaching out to grab him I caught sight of my hand and screamed. It was a blackened, withered thing, like a mummy’s arm. I screamed again, clenching my eyes tightly shut and tried to fling this memory far from me. NO, I do not belong here._ _

__Gasping for breath I’m back in the eye. Think you idiot, this isn’t accomplishing anything. Look at the panes. You don’t want to choose a memory, you’ve already been there. You have to choose a future something that you can fit into._ _

__I study the panes, taking the time to compare the flashes I can see as they whirl by. Most must be memories or version of memories that might have happened, but how would I know since I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not._ _

__I know my name is Koschei so I don’t have to even look at the ones saying Master or Doctor, though those are titles, not names. I want nothing with children in it as I am clearly not a child. Could I have a child? A wife and family? I dismissed the thought easily._ _

__*o*_ _

__Another few trips and I was ready to scream in rage, to give up and just float into the void. One more trip, one more and we’d see. I looked around for something different, something not like the others. Grabbing a plane glowing with a soft grey light, almost like fog and I was there._ _

__“Oww!” My knees skidded on the metal grating._ _

__“How did you get in here!” Stumbling to my feet, I turned and looked around. I was in some kind of ship, strange and familiar all at once. The owner of the voice stood by the console, hands on the levers in front of him. Short dark hair, dark eyes, big ears—another stranger. New face same sad eyes. Always with the sad eyes._ _

__“Do I belong here?” I steadied myself against a column. “Do you know me?”_ _

__“Hell no!” He shouted. “How did you get on the TARDIS?”_ _

__“TARDIS?” I looked around. This place was called the TARDIS. That word had been in the whirlwind too. _The TARDIS.__ _

__”So you don’t know me?” I sighed. “If you don’t know me, I must not belong here.” Sliding down the column, I sat on the floor and looked up at him. I was so tired. If only I could rest just for a moment._ _

__“Of course I know you!” He shouted, gesturing angrily. “What are you doing here?” He took a step or two around the console closer to me._ _

__“I don’t know you.” I studied him. “The eyes, maybe. They’re all the same, so very sad.”_ _

__“What happened to you? Where did you come from?” He walked closer, still wary, but holding in the anger._ _

__“What’s your name?” I asked too weary to get up. “Can you at least tell me your name?”_ _

__“Is this some kind of trick?” Closer and closer he came. “I’m the Doctor.”_ _

__“Oh.” I grinned. _“You’re_ the Doctor!” Finally we were getting somewhere. “Does that go for all of you sad-eyed ones, or is that just you in particular?”_ _

__“I don’t understand what you mean.” He stood above me looking down, still out of reach but way too close._ _

__“Don’t touch me!” I pushed my hands back, sitting on them. “Don’t come any closer!”_ _

__“Ok.” He held his hands up in the air, squatting down in front of me. “Did someone hurt you?” His voice sounded like this might not be a bad thing._ _

__“I don’t know. I think I’m in hell.” I said earnestly, hoping he would understand. “Do you know hell?”_ _

__“I think you belong in hell, and yes, I know hell.” He answered sadly. “I’ve seen hell.”_ _

__“Please.” And my hands are out and holding his before I can think. “Please tell me which pane to pick!” He looked at our hands, but doesn’t try to pull away._ _

__“Pane? Pane of …glass?” The furrow deepened between his eyes and I could tell he wasn’t far from pulling his hands back._ _

__“Please tell me before it’s too late! I can’t take much more!” I tried not to squeeze his hands as that scared the other one, the nice one who wasn’t afraid to touch me. This one didn’t seem afraid, but very leery and angry. Angry at me?_ _

__“Something has happened to you.” He said patiently. “Let me run a scan and we’ll try and find out what. Ok?” He started to pull his hands away, but I held tight._ _

__“No, don’t move your hands! I’ll be sent back!” I said frantically, but he frowned deeper and pulled his hands away and I was gone._ _

__*o*_ _

__

__Well, I thought, standing in the eye again, at least I know who the Doctor is now. All the golden threads seem to lead to him, so one of the panes with him must be where I belong. And I must belong somewhere or else what is the point of this exercise. Unless… I shuddered, the whole point is to drive me insane. If so, shook my fist at the air, then you’ve won._ _

__Wasn’t it enough to take me, take my memory? Now you want to take my sanity too?  
Fine, go ahead. It’s not like I’m going to be needing it here. Not enough golden…_ _

__Wait. I turn around and around concentrating on the golden threads, instead of the panes. The threads brought me here and appeared to link to panes. What if they didn’t? What if they went deeper?_ _

__I gathered the largest golden threads I could reach in my fist, closed my eyes and started wrapping them around my hand, pulling them to me. Some came easy, some didn’t but I pulled them all, wrapping and pulling till I felt a pane bump against my hand._ _

__It was a pane filled with a park-like setting. Didn’t seem to be the same park as earlier, but it could have been. All the threads went into this pane, and some seemed connected to other panes as well._ _

__Taking a deep breath, I grabbed the pane with both hands. Without opening my eyes I could hear birds singing. I knew birds. A breeze blew my hair. I laughed, I knew wind. The grass was still green, but we’d dealt with that._ _

__“Doctor!” I shouted turning around to look for him. The thread came here, he couldn’t be far. “Doctor! Where are you?”_ _

__He stood by the trees, watching me warily or warily watching me. I couldn’t tell for sure, but started walking towards him, grinning happily. “Doctor, my Doctor.” I said in a sing-song voice. He stared walking toward me slowly, head to the side, frowning slightly._ _

__“You’re the Doctor!” I said grinning happily at him. It was the same one as in the other park, he still wore the long coat even though it was a warm day._ _

__“Yes.” He stopped a few feet away, rocking back on his trainers. “I’m the Doctor.” His eyes were cautious and his fingers twitched. Another one that was afraid of me._ _

__“Are you the one who loved me?” I asked hopefully, stopping as well._ _

__“What?” He frowned at me. “Ok. Guess not then. How about the one who wanted to help me?”_ _

__“I’ll try to help you.” He said carefully. “What’s wrong?”_ _

__“Wrong?” I laughed hysterically, almost falling to the ground in the ugly green grass. “I’m stuck in hell and I can’t get out.”_ _

__“No one gets out of hell.” He said softly walking closer. “How did you get here?” He came close enough to touch me, poked my arm. “You’re solid enough.”_ _

__No one gets out? Hysterically laughing turned to hysterical sobbing in a second. I sat on the ground and covered my face. I was never getting out?_ _

__“Hey.” He said softly crouching in front of me. I didn’t see him reaching for my hands until he’d pulled one away from my face. He wasn’t afraid to touch me either it seemed.  
“Why do you think you’re in hell?”_ _

__“I can’t find my place.” I tried to explain. If he was a Doctor, maybe he could tell me what was wrong. “I’ve tried dozens of panes, they’re all wrong. I can’t find where I belong!” Took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “I can’t find my place.” I whispered._ _

__He let go of my hand and I sighed, not wanting to open my eyes and find myself back there with another choice to make. Just sat there and let the tears fall, buried my hands in the grass and cried. Wait….grass? There was no grass there._ _

__“Master, what happened to you?” The Doctor asked. “Is it the drums?”_ _

__I opened my eyes and found myself sitting on the grass facing the Doctor. I was still here!_ _

__“I’m here!” I grinned and rubbed my hands through the grass. “I’m HERE!”_ _

__“Yes.” He smiled. “You’re here.”_ _

__“But you don’t understand! I’m HERE!” I laughed and fell back staring at the sky._ _

__“Was it the Time Lock? How did you escape?” I could hear the whirring of his scanner._ _

__“Time Lock…is that what the whirlwind was?” I mused. Didn’t look like a lock, but I was locked there for a long time, forever and ever. “I followed the golden threads. They led me to you.”_ _

__“Golden threads? Like a link?” He frowned as I sat up. “Link to me?”_ _

__“To you. All the golden threads led to you so this must be my place.” Looked around and laughed. “I have a place!”_ _

__“Master.” He said looking at his sonic scanner. “Will you come with me?” Shoving it back in his pocket, he stood and held out a hand to me._ _

__“I’m not the Master.” I shook my head. “My name is Koschei. The other one told me that.” I refused his hand and got up on my own. “Letting go of hands, that’s how you get sent back.”_ _

__“Ok.” He put his hands in his pockets. “Which one told you your name was Koschei?” He asked walking toward the parking lot._ _

__“The nice one.” I answered looking carefully around at my place and following him. My _place._ “The one who loved me.” Maybe we could dye the grass._ _

__“What was his name?” He stopped and looked at me._ _

__“He never said.” I stopped to and looked in the parking lot. “A blue Police box! Is that yours?” I started walking excitedly towards it. “The guy with the impossible scarf had one too.”_ _

__I can hear him running after me, but I reached the box and touched it, rubbed my hands on the door and felt all the way around it. It was the same._ _

__Standing there watching me in surprise. “A scarf, you say?” He asked with a slight smile._ _

__“Yes.” I nodded, looking at him briefly then went back to running my hand along the wood. A blue Police box in my place._ _

__“Can’t be.” He shook his head. “I don’t remember. I would remember meeting you. I would _know_ you.”_ _

__“You don’t know me.” I frowned at him. “You think my name is Master. One of you, I can’t remember which one, said I chose that name.”_ _

__“You did.” He got out a key and unlocked the door. Pushing it open he gestured for me to enter._ _

__“No one chooses their own name.” I said scornfully. “Your parents name you.” Walked inside the box and stopped. “It’s almost like the TARDIS!” I turned to him with a big grin. “It looks like the TARDIS!”_ _

__“Yes.” He looked around with pride. “It’s the TARDIS, my TARDIS.” Pushing me in a bit farther, he closed the doors. “Do you remember your TARDIS?”_ _

__“My TARDIS?” So it wasn’t the name of this ship, but a model. “I had a TARDIS?” There had been some changes. Walking to the console I looked down at it and back to the Doctor._ _

__“You had a TARDIS a few lifetimes ago. Don’t you remember?” He studied me from the doors._ _

__“I don’t remember anything.” Plopped in the pilot’s chair and laid my head back. “Oh I saw the panes, the memories, but they meant nothing.”_ _

__“Where did you see your memories?” He asked softly, starting to play with the buttons and levers on the console._ _

__“They were riding the whirlwind.” I said closing my eyes. “I have a place!” I whispered softly so he couldn’t hear. This was my place, where I belonged._ _

__

__*o*_ _


	2. Chapter 2

-*-

“Ok, let’s find you a room, get you cleaned up some, maybe some new clothes and then you can tell me what you remember and we’ll get it sorted out. Yeah?”

Jerking my head around toward the stairs, I sensed _something_. “There’s someone else here.” I said in a loud whisper. “Someone else on the TARDIS.” I could feel him, another presence here, hiding.

“Jack!” The Doctor shouted toward the stairs. “You may as well come on up.”

A tall, dark-haired man came into sight, his boots clumping on the steps. His eyes were angry and ancient. Strange eyes, filled with pain, hiding behind laughter. He was wrong, he didn’t belong here. I move to stand behind the Doctor, putting him between us.

“It’s ok.” The Doctor reassured. “He won’t hurt you.”

“Yes, he will.” We say at the same time. We look at each other in confusion. He leaned against a column, with deceptive calm. He was taunt, ready for action, a soldier. I stayed behind the Doctor while he explained this man. This man that shouldn’t _be…_

“No one is going to hurt anyone.” The Doctor sighed and pulled me out from behind him to stand beside him. I grabbed his hand and held onto it tightly. The Doctor squeezed my hand in reassurance. I pressed myself tightly against his side.

Jack’s eyebrows go up, up, up and his mouth opens in shock. 

“What is this Doctor? Why is he here?” Jack pushed away from the column and took a step towards us. “Why oh why is he holding your hand?”

“I found him wandering in the park, he’s lost his memory. Something terrible has happened to him.” The Doctor answered stepping forward, almost in front of me, shielding me from Jack.

Jack stopped in confusion. “You’re protecting him? Why?” He rolled his eyes. “Thought you said he was sucked into the Time Lock.”

“Apparently not.” The Doctor squeezed my hand reassuringly and for the first time in forever, I felt safe.

“Pity.” Jack snorted and went back to lean against the column watching me with careful eyes.

“He shouldn’t be here.” I tugged on the Doctor’s hand. “He shouldn’t _be.”_

He looked down at me and nodded. “That’s true, but he’s our friend and we take care of our friends.” A quick glance at Jack. “All of our friends.”

“He’s not my friend.” I said looking away from this angry friend of the Doctor’s. It hurts my head to look at him, to be near him. “Does he hurt your head too?” I whispered softly at the Doctor without taking my eyes from _him._

“What?” Jack straightened up with a snap and looked at the Doctor in surprise. “I hurt your head?” He’d never told him then, how _wrong_ he was?

“You’ll get used to it. Koschei, this is Captain Jack Harkness.” The Doctor waved this free hand. “Jack, this is Koschei.” The Doctor gave us both a big grin in turn. Guess there were disadvantages in being too nice.

“So he gets a new name, a new life? Just like that?” Jack snorted in disgust.

“It wasn’t ‘just like that’. He’s been gone awhile. If he was outside the Time Lock, he was left in the void. Trust me, that’s not a good place to be.” The Doctor explained to Jack who obviously wasn’t listening or didn’t care. 

“Four years isn’t near long enough to pay for what he did.” Jack spat hatefully. What had I ever done to him? Must have been something bad I grinned where the Doctor couldn’t see. _Good._

“Four years, three months, nineteen days, six hours and twelve seconds.” The Doctor shrugged. “For us. But there’s no time in the void, it’s beyond time and space, so for him it was less than a second and longer than eternity all at the same time.”

“Forever and never.” I whispered. “Ever and ever.” I wasn’t going back, do anything to keep from going back. Anything. I’d even be nice to _Jack._ That ought to count for a lot.

Koschei is a nickname.” The Doctor explained. “He needs help Jack, he’s lost. The void can drive you mad.” He squeezed my hand. I wasn’t mad. _Nope, not much._

“Guess it made it easier, him being insane before he went in? Of all the people in the universe who need help, you choose him?” Jack asked incredulously. “I don’t believe this.” Jack stuffed his hands into his coat pockets angrily.

“Of all the people in the universe, this is the only other Time Lord.” The Doctor said as if that explained everything. Maybe it did, I didn’t know. The other one, the one with the scarf said I was a Time Lord. So me and the Doctor were the last ones. 

“What happened to the rest?” I tugged on his hand. “The other Time Lords?”

His hand tightened on mine and he didn’t answer right away.

“They burned.” He said softly. “There was a war, a terrible war and Gallifrey burned.” 

“The burning red grass? The screaming grass?” I nodded. “It hurt.”

“Yes, that was Gallifrey. Do you remember?” The Doctor turned a bit, asking eagerly.

“No.” I shook my head. “There was a pane.”

“Well, perhaps your memory will come back now that you’re here.” The Doctor took a step forward towards Jack. I held back, making him stop. He turned to look at me in surprise. “Come on, we’ll get you a room and some clothes.” He smiled at me. “I’m sure you want a shower.”

I shook my head. “He’s going to kill me first chance he gets.” I gestured at Jack without looking at him.

“No he won’t. Will you Jack?” He looked up at Jack who looked at me with death in his eyes.

“See.” I whispered. “The second your back is turned. It’s in his eyes. Death.”

“There’ll be no killing.” The Doctor declared. “Come on now.” He tugged my hand harder and I allowed myself to be pulled toward the stairs and Jack who growled softly in his throat as we went by. “I always knew you were a coward.”

“Jack,” The Doctor remonstrated. “Let it go. He doesn’t remember.” He let go of my hand and I held my breath, but was still here. _Thank you._ I whispered softly to whoever was listening.

I walked down the steps first, waited for him at the bottom. Sneaking a look back at the landing, I saw Jack staring down at me, promise of death in his eyes. Like to send him out to the void, see how he liked it.

“Here you go.” The Doctor pushed open a door on an impersonal room in white, single bed with hospital corners, small dresser and a door off to the side. We went in and he opened the other door and showed me a bathroom. Turning, I caught our reflection in the mirror. That was him so the other one must be me. I stepped closer to get a look at my face. 

Bleached hair over dark roots, dark eyes and several days’ worth of stubble looked back at me. Not bad, not great. It was the face on the posters, pretty much only not suave anymore, down its luck. The black hoodie had seen better days. I’d seen better days.

“That’s me? That’s what I look like?” I reached up to touch my face, rubbed the stubble.

“Yep.” The Doctor grinned at me in the mirror. “That’s us. Last of the Time Lords.”

I had a place, a name, a room and a face. 

“After you clean up, we’ll find you some new clothes, anything you like and then maybe a bite to eat. Are you hungry?” He opened a cabinet and pulled out a towel and set it on the counter. “Do you know how to work the shower?”

I looked at the shower and nodded.

“Ok then. I’ll be back in a while to see how you’re doing.” He reached for the door and I grabbed his arm. 

“No! Don’t leave me here. I…” licked my lips and tried to explain. “Don’t leave me alone. Please.” I added a please because it worked before.

“Nothing’s gonna happen in the TARDIS. I won’t be far.” He frowned at me but didn’t pull his arm back. “You’ll be fine.”

“Please Doctor.” I said urgently trying to make him understand. “I don’t want to be alone, I can’t…can’t be alone.” Alone in the darkness, alone in the void. Alone is all the same.

“Ok. I’ll stay.” He said looking puzzled and walked into the bedroom to sit on the edge of the bed. “Go on. Get in the shower.” He made pushing motions with his hands.

“You won’t leave?” I didn’t move. “You promise?”

“I promise.” He said and I pushed the bathroom door half shut. It only took a moment to scramble out of my clothes and into the shower. It felt good to be clean again, but I didn’t take the time to shave. Maybe I’d grow a beard. 

Once out of the shower, I pulled the door open to make sure the Doctor was still there and he looked up smiling at me. “Feel better?” He stood. “There should be a robe on the back of the door. Probably more comfortable than wearing a towel.”

I reached back and pulled the robe off the hook and slipped it around me without taking my eyes off the Doctor. He’d kept his promise and not left me alone. I sighed in relief. 

“The wardrobe room has anything you like.” He said leading the way down the hall. “Is there something you fancy in particular?” I shrugged, following him. Clothes were just clothes after all. “Something comfortable. I guess.” Like it made a difference what I wore.

“Ok. TARDIS will have that.” He pushed open a door to reveal rack upon rack of clothes, anything you could think of. “Why don’t you just look around a bit and make a selection. There should be socks and underwear in a cupboard around here somewhere.” He said craning his neck to see over the racks of clothes. 

The Doctor started off in one direction and I followed him, not looking at the clothes.

“Ah here we go.” The Doctor pulled open a drawer and showed me packages of socks, boxers, undershirts in various sizes. I grabbed the top ones and stood waiting. “Look around, find something you like.” He motioned to the racks again.

Sighing I turned and looked helplessly at the racks. What did I like? What did I want to look like? Too many choices. We stood there a long time.

“How about I pick something today, and then if you don’t like it, you can look for something else later?” The Doctor said gently watching me.

I nodded and he walked up and down the racks, stopping every little bit to look back at me with narrowed eyes. Finally he just chose a soft white shirt and black jeans. “You need a jacket, something with pockets.” He walked to the other side of the room and picked out a black leather jacket for me. “Shoes or boots?” He considered. 

“Short boots.” I said making a decision, looking down at his soft trainers. 

I put it all on and turned to face him. “What next?” 

“Food.” He grinned. “Let’s go see what the TARDIS has cooked up for us.” We fumbled our way out of the clothing racks and back to the door and down the hall to a small kitchen. Jack sat at the table reading a paper and drinking coffee. _Coffee._ I remembered coffee.

He looked up at us and I froze. 

“Your pretending to be frightened of me is getting old.” He said folding the paper. “Just like this whole amnesia gig.” He stood and pushed his chair back in.

“It’s not a trick.” The Doctor said. “I’ve scanned him. You think I’m not aware of the Master’s tricks?”

“That’s not my name.” I was starting to get annoyed with the whole Master thing. “My name is Koschei.” Well it was now. It might have been Master…before. Master sounded more like a title. Master Koschei. Sounded like a schoolboy or a martial arts instructor. I giggled and they both looked at me.

“I’ll be in the pool.” Jack carefully sat his mug on the counter, like he wanted to smash it, smash something. Me, most likely. I made a little smirky face at him behind the Doctor’s back.

“Stop it.” Guess he had eyes in the back of his head. “You’re not children.”

“So what’s good here?” I sat down at the table and waited. The Doctor sighed and opened the fridge.

“There’s some kind of jello-y thing and a chicken casserole.” 

“That’s all?” I look up in disbelief. “My TARDIS…” I stopped in confusion. My TARDIS what… 

“Your TARDIS…?” The Doctor pulled his head out of the fridge and looked at me. “Go on, what did you remember?”

“Nothing. I’d like some hot bread and lots of butter, if you have it that is.” I said softly. My TARDIS… what happened to my TARDIS. 

“Sure, we can do that.” The Doctor pulled a package of frozen rolls from the freezer. “No chicken casserole?”

I shuddered at the thought of meat. “No.” I said shortly. “Bread and butter.”

“Koschei—“ He set a round of butter on the table in front of me. Real butter. I hadn’t had real butter since…since…

“Bread and butter is all I want.” I repeated. He shrugged and dished himself some casserole. Put both in the oven and counted to ten.

“owowowowow” He blew on his fingers after shaking the rolls onto a plate. They smelled so good. I’d never smelled anything that good before. Tearing a roll apart, I blew on my fingers and smeared it with butter barely waiting for the butter to melt before shoving the whole thing in my mouth. Mmmm. Delicious.

Taking a deep breath of the aroma, I closed my eyes and sighed. This was a good place. 

-*-

“Feeling better?” The Doctor asked when I’d licked the last bit of butter from my fingers. Looking up in embarrassment, I saw he’d already finished and was just watching me in amusement. I quickly put my hands in my lap and licked the last bit of butter off my lips and nodded, ducking my head.

“Tell me what you remember.” He leaned back in the chair and waited.

“About the whirlwind?” Didn’t want to remember, didn’t want to think about it. What if thinking about it sent me back there. Looked at him in alarm, but he just nodded. Gulping loudly I reached up to hold the edge of the table with both hands. If I went, the table was going too.

“It was dark and cold, so cold it burned my bones.” I shuddered to remember. “And silent. So incredibly silent. Couldn’t even hear myself breathing.” Shaking my head at him I had to stop and take a deep breath before continuing. “I followed the golden threads to the whirlwind and stood in the eye.”

Closed my eyes “Thousands and thousands of panes whirling by making me dizzy. Voices, sounds, people, places, things all on the panes. The only way out was to choose one.” My hands were shaking so hard I could feel the table shaking.

“I tried lots of them. None of them was where I belonged.” I whispered and opened my eyes in surprise. He’d come around the table and was squatting beside me, taking my closest hand in his and holding out his other hand for my other one. It was hard to pry it from the table and I had to turn slightly in the chair so he could reach it.

His hands felt cool and smooth holding mine. He held them tight until the shaking stopped and I could breathe again. He wouldn’t let me go, he promised. He promised.

“Go on.” He said and his voice sounded loud in the silence.

Shrugging, I said I’d caught some and tried to find my place, but nothing was right. I kept ending back up in the whirlwind. “Kept trying till I thought to wrap the threads in my hand and pull you to me.”

“That’s how you found me?” He asked still holding my hands, not squeezing quite so hard. “How did you end up back in the whirlwind each time?”

I nodded and looked at our hands. “Someone touched me every time but one, held my hand or my arm, or I grabbed theirs without thinking.” Shrugged one shoulder staring at our hands. I wasn’t shaking anymore, but I was afraid to pull my hands back.

“When…when they let go or I let go, then I was back in the eye of the storm.” I swallowed and looked at him, begging him with my eyes, not to let go of my hands. “Please don’t send me back.” I whispered. “I don’t want to go back. It’s nice here.”

“I’m not gonna send you back.” He frowned at me and tilted his head. When he started to let go of my hands, I gasped and squeezed his. “Please.” I said breathlessly. “Don’t.”

“I promise.” He whispered back and I could see he was serious. But the others hadn’t planned on sending me back either, had they? He gently pulled one hand free. “You’re not going back, you can let go.”

He opened his other hand but didn’t pull away, waited for me to let go and move my hand away. Biting my lip, I ever so slowly moved my hand across his till they weren’t touching anymore. I was still here. 

With a big sigh of relief, I grinned at him. I had a place and a name; what else could anyone want?

 

-*-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to mention this was first posted on fanfiction.net in 2011


	3. Chapter 3

*0*

 

“Can you think of anywhere you want to go?” The Doctor asked me later while sitting in the library. I held a book open, keeping an eye on Jack, who apparently was keeping an eye on me.

“Go? What?” I look up in alarm. “We’ve left the park?” No. no. no. My place! Even if the grass was green, it was my place.

“The park, the planet, the system.” The Doctor laughed. “This is a time machine. We can go anywhere, anywhen.” 

“We left the planet? But that was my place. Take me back! I won’t have a place.” Dropped the book in a panic. My place gone?

“You’ll always have a place.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “Wherever I am, you’ll have a place.”

“You mean the TARDIS is my place?” Breathing a little easier, I slumped back. That could even be true, especially since it seemed I once had my own TARDIS.

“Not exactly, but it can be your place as long as you want.” The Doctor squeezed my shoulder and picked up the book I’d dropped.

“Since the thread is connected to you, does that make you my place? Can a person be a place?” Didn’t that make the most sense? The guy with the scarf said a Time Lord had many places. He’d sure been in enough of them. Ignoring Jack’s snort, I kept my eyes on the Doctor.

“Wherever you go is your place, you make it your place.” The Doctor’s explanation made no sense at all. You can’t make a place, _your_ place. It either is or isn’t. I ought to know. “Threads connect people. Threads connected people to people in places.”

Jack shook his head and flipped on a small vid screen. What’d he know about it anyway?

“So is there someplace you want to see?” The Doctor smiled brightly.

“How about a party planet?” Jack suggested looking up. “I could use a good party.”

“I don’t think the…Koschei is ready for crowds yet.” The Doctor replied still looking at me. 

“He can stay in the TARDIS.” Jack suggested. “Come on Doctor. You like a good party.”

“We’ll see.” The Doctor frowned, still looking at me, but I knew the frown was for Jack who kept insisting on a party. I’d been to parties. I’d…

“How about some damsels in distress then? Or better, some alien butt that needs kicking?” Jack sighed. He was bored. Good. Maybe he’d leave.

“Is there someplace with red grass?” I asked hesitantly. “Like home?”

I wanted to see the red grass. I wanted to go home, but it was gone. Burnt the Doctor said. That’s why he said Time Lords make where they are— _their_ place. We had no real home. Home is a place. Most places are homes. I had no home, well no home I remembered. What if I had a home somewhere, people waiting on me to come back?

“I’m sure the TARDIS can find something.” He said softly, smiling at me. Jack sighed and turned the vid up louder.

*0*

“You’re just gonna leave me here alone?” I sat on the edge of the bed. “We’ve already been through this.” Not alone, no.no.no. Especially not alone in the dark. That’s when the shadows came out. You don’t want to meet a shadow alone in the dark.

“You have to rest, to sleep. So do I.” The Doctor said patiently. “This is your room, your bed. This is where you sleep.” The Doctor closed the door behind him.

In a flash I was off the bed and eased the door open, watched him walk down the hall and open another door. Leaving my door open, I paced around. I had no intention of sleeping here. Sleeping alone in the dark? That was madness. The shadows in the dark would get out. 

Waited a few minutes and crept down the hall to the room the Doctor had entered. Pressing my ear against the door, I kept an eye out for Jack while I listened. The shower was running. I sighed and paced up and down the hall a thousand times and went back to listen at his door. Silence.

Eased the door open a crack. Darkness and soft breathing. Sighing in relief, I slipped inside, closing the door very gently and flipped the lock. Didn’t want Jack blundering in here. 

Barely breathing I slid down with my back against the door and pulled my knees up. Crossed my arms over my knees, laid my head down on my arms and closed my eyes. I could hear the Doctor breathing. I wasn’t alone. Sighing deeply, I tried to sleep.

*0*

Someone was screaming and the Doctor was on the floor shaking me awake. The lights had brightened and I was shivering with the cold. 

“What’s wrong? What are you doing in here?” He smoothed my hair. “Did you have a nightmare?”

Lifting my head, I scrubbed away the tears. There were worse things than shadows in the dark. In my mind. Shadows in my mind causing trouble when they couldn’t get out.

“It’s ok.” He said softly. “Why aren’t you in your bed?” 

“I was ripping someone apart with my teeth and eating them!” I cried hoarsely closing my eyes. “It was … It was…” I shuddered and couldn’t stop shaking. I looked up at him with stricken eyes, feeling sick and dizzy. How could I even dream something like that? How could anyone?

“Shhh.” He wrapped his arms around me. “You’re shivering.” Turning my head to rest against his chest, I clung to him. He was warm and I could hear the reassuring noise of his heartbeats under my cheek. “Come lie down on the bed.” He said trying to pull me up.

Reluctantly, I stood and wiped at the stupid tears again. Eating flesh! I could still feel them struggling under me as I ripped their throats out. Holding my hand tight over my mouth as my stomach rebelled, I gauged the distance to the bathroom. _Cannibal!_ A voice screamed in my head. 

The Doctor led me over to the bed and pulled the covers back. “Get under the covers and get warm. I suppose you couldn’t be alone.” Kicked off my boots and curled up in the warm spot.

He pulled the covers up over me and walked around to the other side of the bed and lay down on top, facing me. Unable to meet his eyes, I rolled away from him. How could he look at me? I should go back, didn’t deserve to be here. Deserved to be there, lost and alone in the void. Didn’t want to go. _Please._

“Shadows in the dark.” I whispered into the pillow. “Get in your eyes and snatch you back.”

“There’s no shadows in the TARDIS.” He said trying to be reassuring, but I knew better. Shadows lived in the dark and darkness was everywhere. No place darker than my mind and I was on the TARDIS. Somehow the shadows had gotten out. Needed to warn the Doctor but I was so sleepy. The last thing I remember is his arm around me, holding me against the shivers, against the darkness.

*0*

“Well.” Jack stood in the doorway, unashamedly holding a lock pick in one hand. “Tell me this isn’t what it looks like.” Grinning like an idiot.

“Jack?” The Doctor pulled his arm from around me and sat up. I gathered up all the hate in my soul and gave it to Jack in a glare, lying very still. “Is it late?” The Doctor yawned and stretched. 

“You don’t sleep much Doctor, but when you do sleep, you …sleep.” He lifted one eyebrow.

“Stop it, Jack.” The Doctor stood and I rolled on my back to look at his face. Did he understand what Jack was suggesting? Even I got that much. He did. I turned back to smirk at Jack. Let think what he wanted. Maybe I could annoy him enough he’d leave. 

“So you’re saying nothing’s going on here?” Jack laughed. “Standing there in teddy bear pajamas?”

“Nothing is going on.” The Doctor answered. “The...Koschei is afraid to be alone, he had a nightmare.” He sat on the end of the bed. “Did you break in just to hassle me?”

I smiled at Jack and let the smile curve into a sly grin. Let him think what he wanted. As long as I had a place here, as long as the Doctor didn’t leave me alone. 

“Nightmare?” Jack snorted and backed out of the doorway, leaving the door open. “Yeah I can see where he’d have loads of material for a nightmare.”

The sly smile died and I threw the covers back and sat up. I still wore the clothes from yesterday. “What did he mean? Did I…” I swallowed hard. “Did I really eat someone?”

The Doctor twisted to look at me and closed his eyes but not before I saw the truth. I had. I had eaten a person. A real person. My stomach heaved and I almost made it to his bathroom before throwing up all over.

He held my head and shhhh’d me. “It really wasn’t entirely your fault. They botched the resurrection and your body was running on life energy. You had to have protein.” 

Kind, silly Doctor, ready to say anything to make me feel better, even about something so awful. Even I knew protein could be had in other ways. “Cannibal.” I whispered. “I’m a cannibal.”

“You’re not a cannibal.” He whispered. “We’re not human, not the same. It’s not right, in fact it’s…well never mind.”

“I don’t want to know. Just don’t tell me anything else. It’s bound to be worse.” I knelt there in his bathroom and cried. I should go back. I should, but I wouldn’t.

The Doctor took a cloth and wiped my face and pulled me up. Sat me on the edge of his tub and cleaned up the mess and then started stripping my clothes. Holding my shirt together, I asked him what he was doing.

“I’m going to get these soiled clothes off, put you in a tub of bubbles and going to get you more clothes.” He said patiently prying my hand off the shirt and continuing to unbutton it.

“Don’t send me back.” I looked up at him, grabbed his hand with mine. “Please don’t send me back.” Could he see the desperation in my eyes, hear it in my voice.

“I’m not sending you back.” He said with a question in his eyes. “Why would you think that?” He stopped, letting me hold his hand.

“Because I…what I did.” I said. “Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t send me back. I’ll even try to love if that’s what you want. I’ll try, I promise.” 

“Love? What’re you talking about?” He pulled my hand away and continued unbuttoning my shirt. “I’m not sending you back. Listen to me. I knew everything you’d done when I brought you on the TARDIS. I know the worst.”

“There’s no love in me.” I said sadly. “None.”

“Yes, there is.” He pulled the shirt off my arms and made me stand up. He reached for the faucet and water rushed into the giant garden tub.

“No.” I whispered. “There isn’t.” It was stupid to tell him this, give him reason to send me back, but I couldn’t stop talking. As long as I was talking I wasn’t thinking.

“Yes.” He poured a liberal handful of Bubblegum bubble bath in the water. “That boy running in the red grass, you loved him.” He grinned at the bubbles foaming up.

“I did?” Undoing the jeans and pushing them down, I stood there in boxers and socks.

“Yes.” He looked at me in surprise, turned back to swish his hand in the water. “You’re nothing but skin and bones.”

“How do you know?” I sat on the edge of the tub beside him and pulled off the socks. “That I loved the boy, I mean. How do you know?”

“Because that was me.” He stood and held my hand as I stepped awkwardly into the tub. “I was the boy running with you.”

“He had laughing eyes.” Closed my eyes and pictured the boy. The water was hot and relaxing, bubbles up to my chin. I could be the boy, just for a few minutes. “There wasn’t any sadness in him.”

“Because you loved him. That’s what a thread is.” He answered, kneeling beside the tub. I sighed and wondered what he was doing. Wasn’t worth the effort to open my eyes. Wait, what did he say? I opened my eyes and sat up straight to study his face.

“What?” What was a thread made of? I hadn’t questioned that. “A thread is what?” The golden threads were just there, just waiting for me. 

“Love, a thread is love.” He said softly. “Love between two small boys, best friends against the universe.”

“Did you love him?” I whispered. “The boy running in the grass with you.” 

“Yes.” He said simply, and started rolling his sleeves up.

Closing my eyes to go running through the tall red grass with the boy, a boy with laughing eyes, I relaxed and let the Doctor swipe a warm sponge over my back. A boy I loved and who might have loved me back. There was no love in me now. If I’d ever had any, I’d used it all on the boy. It was gone now. I wished for some, just so I could give it to the Doctor. He’d know what to do with it.

 

*0*


	4. Chapter 4

*0*

 

Jack leaned against the wall in the hall watching us head down to the wardrobe room, a knowing look in his eye, hands in his pockets. “Come on Doc.” He shook his head. “Just be honest, I won’t hate you.” A grin played across his lips.

“Stop it.” The Doctor said automatically, not even slowing down. 

I barely glanced up at him. The Doctor was going to let me stay. I get to stay! I get to stay! I sang to myself. It didn’t matter what I’d done, he was going to let me stay. I didn’t deserve to stay, but the Doctor was going to let me stay! 

My thoughts veered away from the nightmare and the ‘what I’d done’ part and I followed the Doctor’s trainers down the hall. Glanced at Jack’s scuffed boots as we passed him. I was in such a good mood, I didn’t even care if he stayed too.

“I admit, I’m jealous as hell.” Jack laughed. “You barely let me give you a proper snog and you’re shagging the….what’s his name.” Stumbling in surprise, I gave him a look of utter disbelief before following the Doctor. The Doctor had kissed Jack? When had that happened? Jack was jealous of me? That’s a laugh. Maybe because the Doctor was spending too much time with me…..time that he must have been spending with Jack before I got here. Tough. 

The Doctor stopped abruptly and I slammed into the back of him, still considering the idea the idea of the Doctor shagging me. Grabbing him to keep from falling, I glared at Jack and he laughed again. Why did he have to go and ruin everything? Now that’s all I’d think about when the Doctor touched me. Did he think we were rivals? Did the Doctor? Would he get tired of tending to me and my fear of being alone, and go back to being with Jack?

He turned slowly and looked at Jack. “It’s not like that.” His voice was light, but his eyes were hard. “You interpret every look, every touch through sex. I get it, you’re fifty-first century human.” He shook his head. “Not everyone is.” I could feel the anger radiating from the Doctor. 

The Doctor stared at him until Jack looked down and shrugged. “Ok. Maybe. If you say so.” It was obvious he didn’t believe a single word. 

“I say so.” The Doctor smiled again and we continued on down to the wardrobe room. I turned back once to see Jack frowning after us and gave him the biggest, toothiest fake grin I could manage.

*0*

“Come on, there’s something I want to show you.” The Doctor said after I was dressed again. “Unless, you’re hungry?” He turned to look at me.

“No.” The thought of food made my stomach roll. “No food.”

We went down hall after hall, up stairs, across galleries and down again. Finally he pushed open some double doors and I gasped with delight. It must have been hydroponics, but all I saw was the grass.

Trees and flowers and grass, beautiful red grass. There wasn’t a lot, not enough to really run very far in, but it was there. Without thinking, I walked past him and went to the red grass and lay down. Had to squeeze my face up so I didn’t cry. I’d been crying too much lately. The Doctor was going to think I was a weak useless nothing and send me back. Pressing my hands into the ground, I let the grass run through my fingers.

“A little bit of home, hidden away in the TARDIS.” He grinned, going to a bench under a tree with little white flowers hanging from it. “I used to come here all the time.” 

“It’s beautiful.” Rolling over I pressed my nose in the grass and took a deep breath. I never wanted to forget that scent and I never wanted to move again. Why didn’t he camp in here? “I’m smashing your grass.” After a few blissful minutes I got up and walked back to the opposite bench and sat down looking around me. Birds were singing somewhere in the distance. Why not? The TARDIS was … was ….

“That’s what it’s there for.” He put his arms along the back of the bench and leaned his head back to breathe in deeply. “Even smells like home.”

I took a deep breath, several deep breaths. I never wanted to forget this moment. This was what home smelled like. My home. Our home. Gallifrey before it burned.

“How do you go on? Day after day?” I asked looking up in the tree, at the light filtering though the branches. 

“Some days are better than others.” He didn’t even pretend not to know what I meant. “People help. Distractions, never stopping. Those things help.” He sighed, a deep, heavy sigh. “And now there’s you.” There was a hint of smile in his voice.

“I’m sorry to be such a trouble.” I looked at him to see what he was thinking. “I’ll learn, I’ll try, I’ll do anything. Just don’t send me back.”

He sat up and folded his hands together, elbows on knees. Rested his chin on his knuckles and looked at me. “Listen to me, Koschei. I will never send you back. No matter what. I’m glad you’re here with me. I’m not alone anymore.” Smiling he put his hands down.

“Promise?” I know you can’t promise a thing like that, but I asked anyway. It was some measure of comfort that he said he wouldn’t send me back. Who knew what the future held. This was all too good to be true, therefore, it wouldn’t last. Jack wasn’t the only fly in the ointment.

“Promise.” He said solemnly and his eyes meant it. 

“You weren’t alone. Jack is here with you.” I sighed and breathed in some more _home._ He was restless, never still. He’d want to leave soon and be on to something else. How soon before I bored him and he moved on to someone else?

“For a long time I thought I was the last Time Lord in the universe. There’s nothing more alone than that.” He grinned at me and stood. “Come here any time you like.”

I nodded and stood too. He didn’t know what alone meant. It was a lot more than being the last one. It was…it was… unthinkable. Maybe it was because my memories were still out in the void, but the cold shivering fear of being there was just as fresh and strong as it was when I was there. I wouldn’t forget, couldn’t forget.

“You can stay awhile if you want.” He pulled a flower off the tree holding it under his nose for a moment, closing his eyes and just enjoying the fragrance. His expression was a mixture of longing and happiness, something I didn’t think he showed very often.

“No.” I shook my head. Not alone. It was beautiful, but even here, I couldn’t be alone. I pulled off a flower when he wasn’t looking and slipped it in my pocket for later.

Outside I noticed the difference in the air. Oh it was perfectly refreshed air, but it wasn’t the same air as _home._ Smiling, I put a little bounce in my step. 

I had a place, a name, a room and a face. And red grass to disappear into anytime I wanted. Now I knew what home smelled like. It only took a few steps to realize something was wrong.

“The lights are dimmer.” I said looking up. Not a lot, but definitely dimmer.

“What?” The Doctor looked up. “Are you sure?” He reached for the sonic screwdriver.

I looked at him in surprise. “You can’t tell the difference?” Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I was going blind. Who knows what effect the void had on a person. He wouldn’t let me stay if I was blind, I’d be way more trouble than I was worth.  
 _Don’t let me be going blind,_ I begged silently. _I want to stay here._

“Hmmm.” He scanned the area. “Yes. Four percent.” He put the screwdriver back in his pocket. “You can see that?” Looked at me sideways, frowning slightly.

“You can’t?” Frowned back at him. “It’s so obvious. What’s wrong?” Wasn’t going blind then. Something else was wrong. Something with the lights, with the TARDIS.

“Oh probably a malfunction or something.” He shrugged. “Four percent isn’t much.” He put the screwdriver back in his inside pocket.

It was the shadows. The shadows were coming. Going blind would have been better.

*0*


	5. Chapter 5

*o*

In a few hours the light was down to 75% efficiency and falling steadily. The Doctor bit his lip and crawled under the console to pull out things and stare at them blankly before reinserting. Leaning over the console beside the Doctor’s feet, I stared at Jack, who stood against the railing for a long time watching me back. Finally he left and I could safely crawl under the console with the Doctor.

Things were certainly a mess underneath there, so without thinking I began pulling things out and sticking them where they belonged. When I snapped something back in a different way, the Doctor stopped working and asked me what I thought I was doing. He didn’t seem angry, just curious.

“It’s such a mess under here.” I said defensively. “No wonder the TARDIS jerks around every time you maneuver.” He ought to take better care of his TARDIS. Had I taken care of mine? Must not, since I didn’t know where it was or what happened to it.

“Why did you do that?” He gestured at the last thing I’d moved, eyes not leaving mine. Did he think I’d lie to him? To him? The man who’d given me a place to belong and let me lay in the red grass?

“It was in wrong.” I frowned at him. “Surely, you didn’t put it that way on purpose?” Was he suggesting I was just messing about, playing with things. Was this some sort of test?

“What’s it called?” He took peered over the top of his glasses at me and bumped his head. His frown deepened as he rubbed at the spot. He hadn’t hit hard enough to cause a lump.

“What?” I looked at him in confusion. “What’s what called?”

He pointed with his screwdriver. “That. What’s it called?”

I looked at it and looked back at him. “I dunno.” It was a thing, like all the other things on the TARDIS. Something important probably.

“Then why did you flip it over and put it back, why did you move anything?” He aimed the screwdriver at the console and adjusted the settings and read it again. “Why are you touching things at all if you don’t know what they are?”

“They don’t belong that way.” I said patiently, trying to explain. “Like a lot of other things under here.”

“How did you know that?” He frowned at the screwdriver and then me, put his glasses back on and examined the screwdriver again. “Why are you so sure if you don’t know what they are?”

“I don’t know. I just do.” I couldn’t name any parts or explain it to him, but I could look at things and see what didn’t belong. Trying to concentrate made it worse. My hands knew, but refused to share with my brain without a memory to filter through.

“He’s sabotaging the ship.” Jack said squatting down to point a small blaster at me. “I told you not to trust him.” When had he sneaked back up here? Had he even left? “This whole amnesia thing was a ruse to get on the TARDIS.”

“Jack.” The Doctor sighed. “Put the gun away. You know how I feel about guns.” 

“You need to lock him up and run a diagnostic. He’s probably set it to blow up.” Jack sneered at me, holding the blaster steady.

“He wouldn’t blow himself up.” The Doctor scooted back out from under the console and I followed him. “He’s not crazy or stupid.” He folded his glasses and put them in an inside pocket. “Quite the opposite in fact.”

“I never said he was stupid.” Jack grinned and stood also. “Let me take him downstairs and talk to him. I’ll just talk. Scouts honor.” He looked me up and down and I took a step closer to the Doctor. 

“Give me the gun Jack.” The Doctor held out his hand. Jack looked at me, the gun and the Doctor and with a suffering sigh, rolled his eyes and handed the gun to the Doctor who smiled at him. “I hope you don’t regret this.”

“Don’t go far with that. We’re gonna need it when he makes his move.” Jack motioned his head at me. “You should have never let him on board.”

The Doctor shook his head and dropped the gun into one of his pockets. “I trust Koschei.” _So there,_ I smirked at Jack with my eyes.

“He’s evil to the bone. You won’t ever be able to trust him.” Jack shook his head and looked away with a resigned sigh.

“We should land till we get this light problem sorted out.” The Doctor frowned at the view screen. “How does Mardi Gras sound?” He grinned hopefully at Jack.

“Now you’re talking!” Jack shouted. “Paaaarty TIME.” He danced and sang all the way down the stairs. Forgetting all about me the moment a party was mentioned.

“What’s Mardi Gras?” I asked as soon as Jack’s singing had faded away. 

“A festival.” The Doctor checked several items on the console and bit his lip. “A drunken party where anything can and often does happen.” He looked up with a grin. “Jack’s kind of place.”

Looking down, I tried to remember if I’d ever been to something like that. Didn’t feel familiar. “Can I go?” No matter what, I wasn’t going to be left alone.

He looked at me in surprise. “Sure, if you want to.” He set some coordinates and tilted his head back and forth a few times and moved a lever or two, bit the end of his tongue and scooted one back down a quarter of an inch.

“Doctor?” Curling my hands around the edge of the console, I rubbed both thumbs along the edge watching his hands drift across the controls.

“Hmmm.” He answered without looking up. 

“Jack’s human right?” The Doctor looked up and nodded. “Then how did he get so wrong? Did I do that?” There had to be a reason why Jack hated me so, why he couldn’t wait to _end_ me.

The Doctor stopped what he was doing and rubbed one hand along the console. Intent on rubbing an invisible spot, I thought he’d forgotten my question before he finally answered. 

“It’s a long, complicated story. No, it wasn’t you. He died and was made alive again.” Rubbed his face and looked at me. “Forever alive. You killed him a few times, over and over just to watch, just for fun. That’s what he’s angry about, that and ….other stuff.” He smiled sadly, running his hands over some buttons, pushing nothing, just touching. “He’s more alone than either of us.” He looked up at me and I could see the sadness clearly. “Everyone he knows will eventually die and turn to dust, over and over. He’ll always end up alone.”

“I killed him for fun? And he comes back to life?” It was very weird and I still didn’t understand how it had happened, but it wasn’t as bad as the void. That was eternity too, if I hadn’t been able to find the Doctor. “Did he follow a thread to find you like I did?” It looked like the Doctor collected outcasts, the odd duck or two. Those of us that needed a place to belong. To live forever didn’t sound so bad. To live forever in the void made my soul cringe and my hands harden into fists.

“No, not a thread, a hand. He used a hand.” Suddenly he laughed and the sadness was pushed back. “My hand.” He flexed his right hand and looked at it. “I lost it in a sword fight.” He waved an imaginary sword through the air.

“But your hand looks so real.” I’d held that hand, it wasn’t a prosthetic. I guess it was a long story. His hands were soft and gentle, but strong enough to hold mine and keep the shadows at bay.

“Grew back.” He held it out and flexed it. “Within twenty-four hours of my regeneration, so it was easy.”

“Regeneration? What’s that?” Resisted the sudden urge to reach out and take his hand. He could channel all kinds of things through his hand into mine, when he held it: safety, comfort, togetherness, concern. Things I didn’t want to be without anymore and seemed to have a very finite supply of. He was the only way I knew to replenish that supply.

“Time Lords get many lives. If this body dies, we change. New face, same memories.” He stared intently into my eyes. “New likes and dislikes. A different person really.”

“So that’s why so many Doctor’s had the same sad eyes.” I smiled, a piece of the puzzle sliding into place. “You’re all the same Doctor.” So that meant I could too. I could live on and be someone else. Just wouldn’t have the memories to pass to a new person. “Is that what happened to my memories? A regeneration gone bad?” Did everyone have to go out to the whirlwind? Maybe I’d just skip that part next time. That meant I’d been somebody else before too, maybe several. At least one had done the evil things I didn’t want to remember, the evil things the Doctor hinted at and caused revenge to burn in Jack’s eyes. _The Master._

“No. Something else happened.” He started fiddling with the controls again, suddenly nervous. There was a slight knot in his eyebrows, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about it.

“I did something wrong didn’t I? Something so wrong, the void was the only punishment bad enough.” I knew it. Knew I belonged there. Where the shadows eat at your soul and live in the holes.

“No! The void’s not a punishment.” He came around the console and took my shoulders, looking me in the eye. “That’s not what happened.” He looked away and then back at me. “You did you bad things, terrible, evil things. But so did …others. So did I.” The agony in his eyes burned into mine before he blinked and it was gone.

“I was the only one in the void.” I reminded him. They couldn’t have done very bad things, not like me. It had to be a punishment; it was too cruel just to be a random thing.

“They ended up in a place worse than the void.” He shook his head. “They went back to Gallifrey to burn. To forever burn.” His voice trailed off and he stood there staring at his hands. 

“Doctor?” I whispered, stirring him from his reverie. 

“But that’s not what I wanted to say.” He forced a smile on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “You ended up in the void because you stopped Rassilon from killing me and destroying earth. I thought you were sucked into the Time Lock with them. I don’t know how you were saved.” 

Saved? Alone in the void with the whirlwind was saved?

“I did?” I’d saved the Doctor? “Me?” If I’d done something so worthwhile, why was I in the void in the first place? Oh yeah—all the terribly evil stuff before that. I didn’t want to know.

“I don’t want to remember. I’m not like that anymore so can we talk about something else?” I kept my eyes on his hands. “I’m glad I saved you though. That’s one good deed to balance out some evil, right?”

“Yeah.” He gave me a crooked grin. “But don’t think you have the corner on terrible things. I…” He stopped and swallowed. “I had to do something so awful, so terrible, no one will ever be able to match it, not even you.” I didn’t need to see his eyes to know he was remembering something horrific, his voice throbbed with it.

“You?” I laughed but saw he was serious. “I don’t believe it.” Shaking my head, I laid a hand on top of his, stilling it on the big red button. This wasn’t exactly giving into temptation and I still got to touch him.

He looked up at me, agony in his eyes. “Maybe someday I can tell you, you deserve to know, but I…” Gently, I squeezed his hand. Imagine that, me comforting the Doctor.

“You don’t have to tell me.” I whispered. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything. You gave me a place.” He squeezed my hand back, shook off the pain and went back to setting real coordinates.

“Mardi Gras, here we come.” He said with a bright smile that almost hid the sadness.

*o*


	6. Chapter 6

oo~oo

 

“You’re going to eat something before we go.” The Doctor insisted, dragging me down to the kitchen, ignoring all my excuses. “I don’t care if you’re not hungry. I don’t care if you’re not going to drink. You. Are. Going. To. Eat.”

So in the end, I had a loaf of French bread and almost half a pound of butter. Real butter.

He watched me eat in silence, a slight frown in his eyes. Jack’s empty bowl of Captain Crunch cereal still sat on the table, a dab of milk in the bottom. Finally, the Doctor picked up the box of cereal and shook out some into his hand. I watched him eat it, piece by piece while I wiped the melted butter off the plate with the last bit of bread and stuffed it in my mouth.

“You are not living on bread and butter.” He said shaking out another handful. “You’re skin and bones and you need real food.” 

“It’s better than that…that stuff you’re eating.” I gestured at the cereal box making a little face. Too sweet.

“Meat. You need protein.” My stomach gave a little lurch and for a second I thought I was going to lose the lovely bread. He watched me closely, studying me with narrowed eyes.

“No. No … meat.” I shook my head, not looking at him. It was hard enough to say the word, let alone trying to force some down my throat. I stood and pushed my chair in. 

The Doctor started going through cupboards searching for something, mumbling to himself. Finally he found a small white bag and exclaimed happily. “Here, try one of these.” He opened the bag and held it out to me. Gingerly I looked inside. “Go on, you love jelly babies.” He pushed the bag closer.

With a sigh I pulled one out and examined it.

“You have to put it in your mouth.” The Doctor laughed pulling out one and popping it into his mouth.

Just to please the Doctor I put the thing in my mouth and bit down. Spitting it onto the table, I made a horrible face. “Too sweet.” Rubbed my tongue with my hand. “Yuck.” He stood looking at the mess with a frown.

I grabbed a towel and wiped it up and threw it in the sink. Hopefully the TARDIS would fix it like she fixed everything else.

“You used to love jelly babies.” He said sadly taking another one.

“I used to do a lot of things.” I considered using the towel to scrub my tongue and decided the Doctor wouldn’t like it. Maybe brushing my teeth would help. “Or so I hear.” 

oo~oo

 

The lights were down to 60% but he didn’t seem to notice the difference so I didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to hear about the shadows anymore. Imaginary things in my head…some psychobabble thing about the evil I’d done when I was _the Master._ Uh huh. Maybe he’d believe when we were sitting in the dark, fighting them off. Well, I wouldn’t be fighting, I’d be running and screaming. Good thing we’d arrived, much more room to run on a planet. 

Maybe the shadows would get out when we opened the door. Except for the ones inside me—I wasn’t sure how to keep them out. They didn’t leave for long, always came back when it got dark or I was alone, and when had no defenses and no light.

Jack had gone out earlier even though the party didn’t start till dusk. I’d been in the console room and saw the brief flash of blinding summer sun when he opened the doors. It looked hot out there, but Jack wore his military coat, thinking he cut a dashing figure. 

oo~oo

 

“Come on, I think you’ll like the carnival rides.” The Doctor opened the doors and gestured me outside. The heat was a tangible thing, the air so thick and oppressive, I had to lean into it to make any headway. We walked down the side streets to the empty field that wasn’t empty now. Booths, rides, lights, music, laughter all filled the space with organized chaos.

“What do you want to do first?” The Doctor looked around with a big smile on his face. “How about the Ferris wheel?” He gestured at the huge wheel looming over everything. “We can see for miles up there.” Shrugging, I could see he wanted to ride it so we walked over to stand in line and wait. And wait and wait. 

It was strangely quiet at the top, everything seemed muted and far away. The Doctor kept grabbing my arm when I leaned over to see, rocking the little car we were sitting in. It was nice up here, all the shadows were far, far below and couldn’t get up here. I wanted to stay up there forever.

After the roller coaster, the Doctor wanted to get cotton candy which is some kind of spun sugar on a stick. Too sweet and very messy to eat. He finally had his fingers in it and when he held my hand again, we were both sticky. I tried to eat some fried bread thing, but it had some weird stuff on it and tossed in the trash when the Doctor wasn’t looking. 

Telling me to stay put, he went inside a building and I watched the people for a while when a straw hat trailing bright red ribbons came sailing past to land near my feet. 

“Hey!” She was standing in the fountain, skirts held up with one hand and the other was waving at me. “Could you bring me my hat?” She laughed. I looked at her and the hat and the building where the Doctor was. Her sandals were lying on the ground beside the low wall. She thanked me and plopped the hat back on her head.

“My nose will burn without out it.” I examined her turned up nose, looked ok to me. She had remarkable blue eyes and yellow hair, all curly but tied back. “Come on in, the water’s nice and cold.” She held her hand out to me.

I scuffed the dirt in front of the sign that said ‘No Wading in the Fountain.’ 

“Silly rules.” She laughed kicking up the water. “Look.” She pointed down and I leaned over to look. Tiny colored fish swam around in the water. The sunlight made strange patterns in the water, strange bright shadows, like nothing I’d ever seen. “It tickles when they nibble your toes.” She giggled.

“Rules are important.” I frowned at her. “Without the Rules, the universe would cease to exist.” I scuffed at the dirt again, frowning at the dust on my boots.

“You’re cute.” She laughed. “All wide-eyed like a puppy.” She waded over and sat down on the low wall and spread her skirts around her, the ends trailing in the water. “So me not minding the rules is the end of the world?” She peeked up at me through her lashes, blue eyes twinkiling.

“If everyone ignored the Rules, it would. You—“

“Koschei!” The Doctor called. “Let’s go.” He stood staring at the girl and me, hands deep in his pockets his face blank.

“Goodbye.” She called after me. “See you at the dance tonight?” I didn’t turn back to look at her, the pretty girl in the fountain.

oo~oo

After walking around some more, we ran into Jack playing a shooting game. He had quite an audience gathered around him, coat thrown over a railing, he posed with the plastic rifle, a pile of stuffed toys at his feet. 

The Doctor stopped to watch him shoot, so I looked at the game.

“You’re shooting little pink ducks?” I laughed. “What’s the point?”

“The point…” He grinned at his audience. “Is that I do it with style.”

“You’re doing it all wrong.” I shook my head at him. “No wonder you’re only hitting a few.” 

His smile froze and he turned slowly to face me. “I suppose you think you can do better?”

I shrugged and he held out the toy rifle. Ignoring him, I studied the game. Things were setup slightly off-kilter, rigged so the shooter wouldn’t or couldn’t hit the little ducks. The rifle barrel was probably crooked too. 

“Koschei is an excellent marksman.” The Doctor leaned against the rail, prepared to be impressed.

Jack turned on his heel to look at the Doctor, an arrested look on his face. “The Master maybe. Him? Don’t make me laugh.”

“That’s something you don’t forget—muscle memory.” The Doctor pursed his lips. “He’s a great shot.”

“Yeah?” Jack smiled slowly. “That right, Kosch-whatever?” He looked at me, but I was calculating the angles necessary to hit the ducks. Quite a few variables in play, quite a few simultaneous things could go wrong, but it could be done. I could do it.

“Mmmm.” The Doctor answered for me. “Wanna try your luck against him?” He grinned at Jack. The Doctor was willing to wager on me? An unexpected thread of pleasure ran through my chest.

“Shall we make it interesting?” Jack nodded at the barker to reset the ducks. “What’d you think?” Jack stood back and aimed the rifle, sighting down the barrel.

“I have nothing to bet.” It wouldn’t be hard to beat him, but he seemed only interested in the bet. His audience cheered him on, and he stood a little taller, chin in the air.

“If I win, how about a proper snog?” Jack asked.

“I’m not kissing you!” I made a face at him. “That’s disgusting.”

“Not you. Him.” He pointed at the Doctor. “What’d you say Doc.?” He turned back to him. “You never really gave me a really good snog.”

“And when Koschei wins?” The Doctor twisted his lips. “You’ll stop picking at him?”

Jack tossed his head back. “I’m a military man Doc. Not gonna happen.”

“And if it does?” The Doctor persisted. “You’ll leave him alone?” He rocked back and forth on his heels.

“Fine.” Jack grinned at his audience. “If what’s his name manages to win, by some miracle…” He stopped to laugh. “Then yeah, I won’t bug him anymore.”

“We have a deal.” The Doctor held out his hand and Jack strutted over to shake it.

“Warm up those lips, Doc. I’ll be back in a sec.” He grinned at the Doctor and the crowd laughed.

“You wanna go first?” Jack looked at me. I shook my head and waved at the ducks. I needed to see how the gun shot, the angle it was off.

Jack laughed again and with a last glance at his audience, he carefully aimed the rifle and popped a shot at a duck. Walked around a bit and aimed again, doing the same for each shot, so it took him several minutes to complete his turn. Out of eight ducks, he got six. 

“Not bad.” The Doctor nodded and we waited while the barker reset the game.

Jack preened for the crowd and made a big deal out of handing me the rifle. I looked at the Doctor who nodded and smiled at me. I don’t know why he had complete faith that I would win, I didn’t myself, but I couldn’t let him lose and have to kiss Jack. If he’d wanted to go around kissing Jack, he’d have done it by now. No, this was something Jack wanted. Well, he wasn’t going to get it.

I walked back and forth in front of the ducks, choosing the optimal spot to hit all the angles and closed my eyes, feeling the sun and the wind on my face. Jack started to grumble, so I opened my eyes and raised the little rifle with one hand and popped off eight quick pops. Eight little pink ducks plinked and the crowd cheered.

Jack’s eyes widened and he grabbed the rifle away from me. “You cheated somehow!” He growled. The Doctor laughed and took my hand and pulled me away, calling to Jack over his shoulder. “Remember Jack. You have to play nice with Koschei.”

I smirked at him over my shoulder and let the Doctor drag me away. Jack was still protesting but we kept walking.

“How did you know I could do that?” I asked the Doctor as we walked back to the TARDIS. “How did you know I could shoot?”

“Because I know everything about you.” He answered squeezing my hand. “The good and the bad. And…” he laughed suddenly. “You’ve shot at me a time or two.”

“I did?” How could I have shot at him? “Did I hit you?” Really didn’t want to know, but he seemed to want to talk about it.

“A time or two.” He looked at me with a strange look in his eyes. “But you never killed me and you could have, time and time again.”

“So I couldn’t have been a very good shot…”

“On the contrary. You had to be an excellent shot to come so close, yet not kill me.”

“I won’t shoot you anymore.” I promised him.

“I’m glad to hear it.” He gave me quick hug and I couldn’t help looking behind us to see if Jack had noticed. He was trailing along behind, still grumbling to himself. Smirked at him knowing he couldn’t do anything to me now.

oo~oo


	7. Chapter 7

oo~oo

 

Even though the Doctor parked the TARDIS off the main street, the noise was deafening. Raucous music, screaming, laughing, voices, all blending together generating one instant headache. It had gotten chilly after sunset, I was glad to have the jacket. The streetlights didn’t do much to dispel the gloom. Why couldn’t they hold the dance in the daylight when so many shadows wouldn’t be out?

Jack bounced along to the music. I’d determined to be nicer to him, didn’t think I could for long, but I’d make the effort, to please the Doctor, especially after I beat him at the shooting game. We rounded a corner and were suddenly surrounded by dancers wildly gyrating to the impossibly louder music. I grabbed the Doctor’s hand and saw him wince. The street was overflowing with people as far as you could see in either direction. Laughing, screaming, singing, dancing people.

Jack laughed over his shoulder and was gone. “Stay out of the maze!” The Doctor shouted at him, but he was barely audible over the music. He grinned at me and held my hand tightly. 

People were pushing and shoving and dancing, all crowded together and touching. The Doctor grabbed a hand reaching inside his pockets. I zipped my jacket up higher. Keeping a tight grip on the Doctor’s hand, I used the other one to push people away as we shoved our way through. Hoped he knew where we were going, just being carried along with the crowd wasn’t much fun, except everyone else seemed to be having great fun. Filmy paper streamers rained down on our heads from people hanging out windows over the street. Someone splashed a drink on the Doctor’s coat and he just laughed. 

“This is fun?” I shouted at him, pressing closer. 

“You’re done?” He shouted back shaking his head and pointing at his ear. Someone shoved drinks in our hands and the Doctor toasted them and drained the glass and threw it over his shoulder. Shrugging, I did the same thing. EWWW. Sickly sweet and disgusting. The Doctor laughed at the face I made.

Suddenly a surge of dancers pushed at us and our hands were torn apart. “Doctor!” I screamed, reaching with both hands as he was swept farther and farther away. Pushed and shoved and screamed, but nothing got me any closer to the last place I’d seen him. _Doctor!_

A girl in a mask pushed herself in my face and started writhing against me. I ignored her and searched frantically for the Doctor, screaming his name over and over. _Doctor!_ She shoved her glass at my mouth, laughing when it spilled all down my front. Pushing her away roughly, I fought my way to the edge of the crowd. I had to find the Doctor. I had to.

Finally, I was in the clear, gasping loudly, standing in the shadows between two houses. People above screaming and hanging over the balcony, reaching down to me, thinking I wanted to be pulled up.

I shook my head and tried to figure out how to get back to the TARDIS. Retracing the path would be impossible. Couldn’t stay here long, I was in the shadows. Standing on a chair, I saw an empty spot up ahead and ran along the edge of the crowd in that direction. The crowd blurred into a wave of color and sound, something like the faster moving panes. Individual faces and sounds were indiscernible. Hands reaching out to grab me, touch me, were ignored or batted away while I scanned for the Doctor’s face.

Why had he lost me? Why hadn’t he found me? _Doctor!_

Tripping over an invisible something, I fell headlong onto the roadway, getting stepped on and danced over several times before I was hauled to my feet. A very drunk Jack had one hand around a woman and one hand tight in my coat collar. I tried to pull away while he grinned at me.

“Well, if it isn’t ‘what’s his name’.” He jerked me around toward the woman. For some reason the crowd parted around him as if he was a boulder in a stream. “Honey, meet ‘what’s his name’.” Laughing loudly, he said. “‘What’s his name’, this is honey.”

She laughed and gave me a sloppy kiss. Rubbing it off with both hands, I jerked around trying to get free from Jack’s hand holding me so easily. 

“Where’s the Doctor?” I shouted at him. His eyes narrowed and he let the woman go. 

“Go get ‘what’s his name’ a drink, honey.” He ordered her without a glance in her direction. With a quick look around, he pulled me up on the sidewalk. “The Doctor sent me to fetch you.”

“Where is he?” I finally got free from his hand and looked around for the Doctor. 

“He’s gonna meet us at the Half Moon Bar. Come on.” He started walking off, not even looking for Honey. I stood and watched him warily for a few seconds and he turned to look at me. “Come on, the Doctor’s waiting.” He laughed again and went on without looking back. 

Taking a deep breath I followed him down the street and into a sleazy dive. It was dark and dirty and it _stank._ He pointed to a table and went to talk to the bartender. They gestured back and forth, haggling a long time before Jack came back with three open bottles, leaving his glass on the bar. 

“I thought you said the Doctor was here.” I didn’t like this place, it was too dark. Shadows danced in the corner and the music was barely muted. I took the chair facing the door so I could see the Doctor coming. There were no other customers in the bar.

“Relax, drink up. He’ll be along in a minute.” Jack pushed one of the bottles in front of me and the other one to an empty chair for the Doctor. He drained the third. 

I took a sip from the bottle watching the door, watching for the Doctor. It wasn’t bad, wasn’t good either. Tasted kind of funny in fact. I took another sip trying to figure it out.

Jack looked around and went back to the bar for another bottle. He stood leaning back against the bar, laughing with the bartender. 

I leaned back in my chair to look past two men coming in the door. Big, ugly, dirty brutes, they went straight to the bar and stood talking to Jack. I vaguely heard him mention me and point with the bottle. Took another drink and started getting dizzy. Jack and the men came and sat at our table. I frowned at the one sitting in the Doctor’s chair. He grinned at me and took a long drink out of the Doctor’s bottle, rheumy eyes never leaving me. 

Blinking at him, I watched in surprise as he scratched at the braids in his long beard. Busting out in laughter at how funny that looked, I took another drink and was amazed at how fast the room started spinning. It was kind of interesting until the floor started dancing.

Jack grinned and the other guy pushed a bag across the table at Jack who scooted the bag off the table into his lap. Someone grabbed my arm and I felt my eyes roll around in my head trying to look at him. This was not right at all. Looked down at my arm and one hairy paw had snapped a manacle around my wrist. My wrist! That was so funny I took another drink. The whole room slid sideways and Jack started laughing as I crawled under the table. “I’m not into bondage games.” I think I said that aloud, but I’m not sure. The floor was very sticky with things I didn’t want to know about.

Hairy-paw and braided-beard swore and reached under for me. I grabbed Jack’s chair and tipped him over backwards and scrambled out. Broke the manacle with one quick shake and tossed it back toward hairy paw and managed to stumble out onto the sidewalk before I was very sick on somebody’s shoes. 

Braided-beard was bent over Jack as they fought over the bag while hairy paw-stood in the doorway and scowled at me. Feeling much better, I turned away and stepped into the crowd. Jack attracted the weirdest people. I don’t think the Doctor would be caught dead in a place like that.

oo~oo

“Hey! It’s the puppy!” The girl from the fountain wrapped herself around me. Before I knew what was happening, she had me backed into the front of a building, smacking sloppy kisses over any part of me she could reach.

”Bleh!” She wiped her mouth with the back of one hand and pushed back from me. “You taste like vomit.” She looked around and plucked a half empty bottle from the windowsill. “Here… drink this.” She held it out for me to take.

“I’m not drinking that.” I pushed it away from my face and tried to edge away from her.

“Well, just swish it around in your mouth a little.” She was very drunk and had lost her hat. 

I took the bottle and sniffed at it. “Go on.” She encouraged me to take a drink. She held the bottle out again and I shook my head. Sighing in exasperation, she took a long drink and held it back to me. 

With a sigh I tasted a small bit and rinsed my mouth and looked for a place to spit it when someone jostled us and I swallowed it. At least my mouth tasted better. She must have thought so too, because she just kept kissing me. 

“Do you have a room, puppy?” She said against my mouth. “A place where we can go?”

“I have to find the Doctor.” I answered her. “The Doctor is my place.”

“Doctor huh? You sick?” She stepped back to look at me and I shook my head. Someone grabbed her arm and pulled her away. I turned and ran for the empty spot I’d seen earlier. It wasn’t that far ahead.

 

oo~oo

 

This was not a good place and I wanted out of here _now._ Finally I made it to the empty spot. Only a few people standing around on the pathway and I pushed past them easily. Walked through the ornate iron gates and looked around. 

It was at the entrance of the maze. The Doctor had specifically told Jack to stay out, but not why. Looked around and knew I’d made a mistake. There were very few people around, just some drunken revelers searching for the center or looking for a quiet place for a tryst. It was too dark, had to get out, stopping suddenly when I saw the shadows. Hidden by the gates, they converged and started to flow toward me.

Turning, I ran blindly, screaming for the Doctor in my mind. I must’ve tripped and fallen a dozen times, each time looking back for the shadows. They didn’t rush, just slowly advanced, pushing me, herding me. _Doctor!_

I found a wide spot in the hedge, between a bench and a tree, a tiny opening barely big enough to hold me and huddled down, hands wrapped around my head, knees up. They can’t find me here, it’s a good spot. Nothing can find me. Don’t breathe, don’t think. You’re not here. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months later I heard footsteps.

“Koschei.” The Doctor’s voice whispered. “I’m here. It’s ok.” Rustling noises in front of me. “Koschei?” 

Didn’t move, didn’t breathe. The voice could just be another nightmare. If I was very still it would eventually go away. Would a shadow know my name? Stupid question, of course it would if it was one of mine. How could it not know my name?

“Koschei.” Not so much a whisper now.

_Go away! Go away!_ I screamed silently. _You can’t be here when the Doctor comes to find me. Go away!_ Think he’s coming to find you? Don’t be stupid, he’s well rid of you. Nothing but trouble, you are. Clinging and needy, driving him insane. _He’s coming, he promised._ Listen to yourself, you idiot, look at yourself. A grown man huddled under a hedge hiding from shadows, crying in the dark. _The shadows are real! He’s coming, you’ll see._

“Koschei!” Impatient now, the voice reached out and touched me. After a breathless yelp, I was pulled forward onto my knees and out into the open. _No! no. no. no._

“It’s me.” Strong arms wrapping around me, hugging me tight. “Open your eyes, Koschei. Look at me.” Rocking me gently. “Use your senses. Can’t you feel me, can’t you feel the thread? Can’t you smell me? You should know when I’m close.”

Shadows didn’t hug, did they? They never had before. They certainly didn’t smell like a Time Lord—not like my Doctor. Slowly I lowered my arms from around my head and looked up. He was kneeling beside me, holding me. 

“You’re real.” I breathed, touching him, wrapping my arms around him. “You came! You really came.” Wiped my face on my arm without letting go of him. “You found me.”

“Said I would.” He rested his head against mine. “Why did you run into the maze?”

”It was quiet. Too many people out there.” Fingers stroking his coat, I rested my head on his shoulder. He was real. He was here. He found me. “I thought it would be safer.” _See. I told you._

We could still hear the music and the laughter and the noise, but it was muted somewhat. There were others in the maze, we could hear their laughing, drunken progress.

“Come on, get up.” He pushed away and pulled me up to sit on the bench. “It’s not that cold, why are you shivering?” I didn’t want to let go of him, but realized I couldn’t touch him all the time. I must learn to trust him. He kept his promise, he came and found me. Hard to believe as it was, he really came.

“Shadows.” I whispered looking around. It was dark in here, dark and quiet. I should’ve stayed out with the people no matter how loud they were, even the girl from the fountain was better than this. I’ll know better next time.

“The shadows can’t hurt you.” The Doctor sat beside me on the bench. “You’re a Time Lord.” He put his hands down and I grabbed the nearest one to hold tightly. He smiled and shook his head. “A Time Lord isn’t afraid of anything.” He shook our clasped hands slightly. “Things are afraid of us.”

“They are? Even the shadows?” I asked in confusion. “Then why are they chasing me?”

He pursed his lips and thought a minute. “Are you running from them? Lots of things chase something that runs… prey runs. That’s how they know what to chase.” He put our clasped hands in his pocket and my hand was warm. I was safe now, the Doctor was here. _He came._

“They might run from you, but not from me.” I shook my head. He didn’t know, he hadn’t seen them.

Chuckling softly, he told me at one time, whole worlds ran from me, from the sound of my name. That must have been _The Master._ No one would run from me now.

“Thank you.” I whispered leaning against him. He was so safe and warm. “Thank you for coming to get me.”

“I promised I’d always come and get you.” He leaned his head down so that it rested on mine. We sat like that for a few minutes before he jumped and twisted on the bench to face me.

“I can give you something to fight the shadows with! Well, something to distract you when they come. Well, something better to think about.” He said excitedly. “I know just the thing.”

“You can fight the shadows?” I’d never thought of fighting. You just have to keep away from them. Once they get inside, they’ll eat your soul and take up housekeeping. Ha, they’ll make you their _place._ Even shadows need a place.

“Do you trust me Koschei? Will you let me in your head?” The Doctor pulled our hands out of his pocket to gesture and I reluctantly let his go. “I have to be able to get in your head.”

“No…” Shaking my head furiously, I scooted away from him. “You can’t go in there, it’s full of shadows.” If the shadows didn’t get him, he might see what was in the shadows and that would be worse. He’d send me back for sure, promise or no promise.

“I won’t look at anything. I just want to give you something.” Frowning at me, he pulled some sticks and leaves out of my hair. “What happened to you?”

“I fell.” It was no big deal, just a little dirt. “Give me what?”

“Memories.” He said softly, but still excited. “I can share with you the memories of those two boys running in the red grass. Memories you can go and visit anytime you want. Real memories.” He insisted. “Not just a memory of me telling you about it or a flash you saw in the whirlwind. Well, not exactly your own real memories, but almost as good.”

“You can do that?” I could have a real memory? Good memories of my own?

“Of course I can. Sorry I didn’t think of it earlier.” Folding one knee, he turned so he was facing me on the bench. “Face me, no get closer.” I scooted closer to him and waited.

“Close your eyes. It’s not going to hurt. Just relax. You can trust me Koschei.”

Closed my eyes and felt the Doctor’s cool fingertips against my temple and the memories flowed. Slowly at first, then flashing by so fast I couldn’t hold them. Faces, places, emotions, voices, laughter, colors, feelings…. flashing by in a blur.

“Be still for a minute and let things settle.” He removed his fingers from my temples and caught me as I swayed against him. Too much, too fast, I was so very dizzy. Leaning against him a long time, I watched the shadows through narrowed eyes and they didn’t get near him. He was right, they were afraid of a Time Lord. If only I could be a Time Lord too. 

“Remember the lake?” He bumped against me with his elbow.

“The water was icy cold, but we didn’t care.” I answered feeling the goose pimples on my skin. I had memories. Squeezed my eyes shut. I wouldn’t cry. _I wouldn’t._

“Remember that old hermit? Up in the hills? We’d sneak off and he’d tell us the scariest stories, as long as we’d listen.” The Doctor sighed. “We believed every word he said.”

“You always wanted to hear the ghost stories.” Laughing at him, I realized that old man had often told stories of the shadows. Shadows were everywhere it seemed.

“Well, I certainly didn’t want to go back to that boring old tutor we had for summer lessons.” He shook his head remembering.

“You never did want to do lessons.” I’d loved the lessons, the knowledge, the learning.

“Lessons are boring.” He grinned at me repeating what he’d said a thousand million times before. I had a photographic memory and that made it easy for me. The Doctor’s memory was good, but only for things he wanted to remember. Not for lessons on a hot summer afternoon.

I had a photographic memory? Maybe that’s how I knew what belonged and what didn’t. Photographic or not, it was gone and from the bits I’d heard, I didn’t want it back. We sat in companionable silence, just remembering. I had something to remember.

 

oo~oo

A sudden yell, almost a scream and the Doctor was on his feet running.

“That’s Jack!” He shouted over his shoulder. “I told him to stay out of the maze! They never listen.” His long coat billowed out behind him.

Not waiting to be left behind, I scrambled after him. The maze was silent now, but the Doctor kept running up this path and down that one. Finally he stopped in a cul de sac and held up his hand to stop me. 

Some creature was crouched over Jack’s limp body, sucking on his neck. It looked like a woman, but not really, not even in the dark, too long and thin. Something that might have once been a man lay crumpled nearby, all dried up and withered. My face squished up in disgust and I reached for the Doctor, but he was out of reach.

The Doctor took a deep breath and started forward. “It’s a soul-eater. Stay back.” He warned me. The creature lifted its head and looked at him.

The thing snarled at him and I could see the blue flames licking in its mouth. It was sucking the life energy right out of Jack. If he could never die, Jack would have an infinite amount of life energy to steal. This thing wasn’t going give up his prize easily.

“Let him go.” The Doctor said in a low voice. “You can’t have him.” The creature dragged Jack a few feet with one hand while threatening the Doctor with his other, blue flames swirling on its fingertips. The Doctor never stopped, never faltered. “Let him go!” He shouted and the thing shot a bolt of energy at the Doctor, barely missing. It sizzled into a tree, setting it ablaze. 

Without hesitating, the Doctor reached them and bent down to take Jack’s arm with one hand using the other to grab the soul-eater’s arm. The creature snarled again and shot another bolt at the Doctor. At point blank range, the Doctor staggered and went to his knees with a cry, losing his grip on the creature, but never dropping Jack’s hand. 

“NO!” I screamed, running towards them. The Doctor held his hand up and tried to warn me back. “Koschei stop!” He gasped. “Run.” 

Time Lords don’t run. That’s what the Doctor said. Ignoring him, I rushed headlong, screaming at the creature to get off. It looked me up and down and in that small instant of time, it grinned. Glancing at the unconscious Jack, and the Doctor on his knees, unable to get up, it dropped Jack and grinned wider at me, holding up one hand. I stopped within a few feet of it, breathing raggedly.

“You want to play?” It said in a high voice. Maybe it was female, didn’t matter. I was going to kill it. How dare it hurt the Doctor, my Doctor. “Wait your turn.” A bolt of blue energy shot from its palm straight at me. I ducked.

Holding my hand out to ward off the bolt of light, the next one hit me square in the palm. Falling back a step, I screamed as the lightening race up my nerves straight to the brain with an explosion of blinding light. Light!

This wasn’t a shadow, something to run from. This was light! I knew this light, it was familiar, an old friend. I’m not afraid of the light. Beautiful, glorious, blessed light. 

I vaguely heard the Doctor shout something, but there was no time for that. I screamed again, not a scream of pain, but a scream of exultation. The energy flowed into me, flowed into my soul and filled me with light, killing the shadows.

Frowning, the soul-eater raised its other hand and threw a second bolt. I caught it and held on, taking it eagerly. Three steps closer and it backed up. I reached the creature, laughing at the fear in its eyes. How much energy did it have left? How much had it taken from Jack? 

Fear? Yes that was fear. I knew the look of fear, the cold shivering look of fear. This was familiar, I’d done this before. I knew this. Grabbing hold of the creature by its skinny neck, I shook it like a rat. 

“Do you know who that is?” I gestured back at the Doctor. “That’s the Doctor. You don’t touch the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm.”

The soul-eater clawed at my hand around its neck, trying to break free, so I lifted it off the ground to give it something else to think about. I could hear Jack gasping and the Doctor helping him to sit up, but it was like they were far, far away. So the human was an immortal. Interesting.

“Do you know who I am?” I asked the creature, jerking it close to my face. “Do you?”

It squeaked out something that sounded like a no, but it was hard to tell since it really wasn’t breathing too much anymore. Throwing it down on the path, I stood over it, watching the light slowly fade from its eyes.

“I’m a Time Lord!” Kicking it in the side, I said it again. “A Time Lord.” I whispered softly poking it with my toe. I laughed and even to me my voice was sounding a little hysterical.

Closing my eyes tightly, I felt the energy tingle along my nerves, filling me with immense strength and power. I was a soul-eater, who knew. I crowed with laughter and heard it turn into shrieks before I opened my eyes.

“Koschei!” The Doctor shouted. I turned and looked down at him. Jack was awake staring at me in fear. Were my eyes glowing? Had I grown horns?

Lifting the Doctor to his feet with ease by his coat collar, I stood still, looking into his eyes, my hands on his shoulders. He wasn’t afraid of me anymore than he was afraid of the soul-eater. He was still the Doctor. 

“Let it go Koschei. You can’t control it.” He said calmly.

I laughed at him. “Oh yes.” I grinned. “I may not remember anything else, but this….” Laughing wildly again. “…this I _know.”_ I lifted my hands from his shoulders and pressed them on either side of his head. Stepped very close to him. _“This_ belongs to me.”

From far away I heard Jack making a strangling noise. He was going through his pockets, looking for a weapon. It wasn’t worth bothering about, the gun was in the Doctor’s pocket, besides, the creature was dead.

“Koschei, listen to me. It’s too alien, too strong. You can’t control it.” The Doctor stood very still between my hands, talking calmly as if we were discussing the weather. He put his hands on my arms, staring into my eyes. I smiled at him. My Doctor.

I moved my face very close to his, almost touching. “You let one too many memories slip through.” Squeezed my eyes shut, fighting for control. “We weren’t just two little boys running through the grass. Were we Theta?” Forced them open to see his expression.

“No.” He answered softly smiling into my eyes. “Let it go.”

“I want…Please… Theta…” My control was slipping, the Doctor was right. I could barely speak, the energy was going to consume me, burn me like it burnt the shadows. “Tell me…please….I want…” Each word came out as a gasping breath and it was too hard to think, to remember. Tears ran down my face, but they didn’t quench the fire. Nothing would quench the fire.

“What Koschei, what do you want?” The Doctor whispered, his hand touching the side of my face. Endless moments where it was all I could do to breathe and keep a tenuous control. My hands were shaking from the effort keeping it inside, of not hurting him. Closed my eyes and tried to concentrate.

“I want…I want …” Deep shuddering breaths and I was close to losing control. The soul-eaters energy was winning. I was going to burn. “Do you …remember…” I didn’t want to let go. Filled with this energy, this power, I was a Time Lord. Without it I was going to be a frightened coward again, afraid of the dark. Terrified of shadows in the dark.

“Let it go Koschei. You can’t control it.” He said sharply.

“I know. I …” Pushed him away and opened my eyes to scan the sky. Where, where, where…there. Pointed my arms and let it go. The energy bolts raced across the sky at an angle, blue lightening in the night. Jack said later the soul-eater’s ship made a spectacular explosion, but I had lost consciousness by then.

 

oo~oo


	8. Chapter 8

oo~oo

 

_“Do you have a room, puppy?” She said against my mouth. “A place where we can go?”_

_“I have to find the Doctor.” I answered her. “The Doctor is my place.”_

_“Doctor huh? You sick?” She stepped back to look at me and I shook my head. “Never mind. I’ve got a place.” Tugging on my arm, she pulled me between some buildings, and we went around back, running up rickety stairs. Placing a finger on her lips, she eased the door open._

_It was dark inside, the only light coming from the open door and that gone as soon as she eased it shut. I held onto her hand tightly._

_“Come on puppy, we’ll have to hurry before he comes back.” She pulled me into the room, twirling me around, pushing me backwards till I fell on a bed. “I’ll be right back.” She whispered moving away._

_“No!” I whispered fiercely. “Don’t leave me here in the dark!” I sat up and put both arms out to feel for her. She giggled from across the room._

_“You afraid of the dark, puppy?” I heard another door open. “Nothing’s gonna get you.” She giggled again. “’Cept me.”_

_“NO!” I stood up and bit my lip trying to remember where the door was. “The shadows!” Get out. Get out now!_

_“Hush!” She whispered loudly from the other room. “Ain’t no shadows in the dark, puppy. Need light to make shadows.”_

_“No….” I moaned. The shadows were here, I could feel them reaching out for me. Clenched my eyes shut so they didn’t get in. Stumbled over something trying to find the door and fell against the bed. I’d walked in a big circle._

_“Hey.” She slid into my arms, both hands reaching under my jacket and shirt, cold fingers against my skin. “It’s ok puppy. I’ve got ya.” She giggled against my cheek, her skin soft and cool._

_“Please.” I whispered against her hair. “Please turn on the light.” Both my arms tight around her, not willing to let go._

_She hushed me with her lips, her tongue pushing into my mouth. I pulled back far enough to ask again but she only giggled, hands doing strange things against my skin. She started dancing slowly in place, moving me with her, so I put my hands on her shoulders to balance myself._

_I’d forgotten and opened my eyes again. When she started rubbing herself against me, moving up and down, paying special attention to my crotch, I held her tighter and moved against her. Forgot the shadows and slid my hands around her neck, her soft white neck._

_“Oh, that’s nice, puppy.” She murmured against my hair. “Do it like that puppy.”_

_“Say my name.” I whispered against her ear. “Say my name.”_

_“Puppy.” Hot breath against my neck. “Cute little puppy.”_

_“That’s not my name!” My hands were circling her neck, fingers touching lightly. “Say my name.” Cool skin below my hands, golden ponytail tickling._

_“What’s… what’s your name, then?” She whispered, one hand busy rubbing my crotch. “What’s your name puppy?”_

_“My name is…my name…” I gasped and turned us around, pushing her down on the bed. “…the Master… My name is the Master.”_ Yes, oh yes. _“Say my name.”_

_She giggled. “Master huh? You want to play slave and master, puppy?”_

_“No—the Master. Say the Master.” Pushing her skirts higher to reach the soft skin underneath, my hands lifted up to settle on her neck again, thumbs in front, rubbing little circles on the soft skin._

_“The Master?” She giggled, trying to get my pants off. “Ok, puppy. I’ll play.” She grunted and pushed at me to lift my hips. “The Master.”_

_“Again.” My thumbs pressed a little harder and I rubbed against her. “Say it again.”_

_“Oww. That hurts.” Her hands came up to claw uselessly at mine. “Stop it puppy!”_

_“Say my name!” I shook her a bit, pressing harder. “Say my NAME!”_

_“Maaa…” The rest ended in a squeak as she writhed under me. When she was still, I reached in my pocket._

oo~oo

 

Sitting up with a gasp, I was alone in the Doctor’s bed. Scrambling up in fear, I looked around frantically for my jacket. It hung from a hook on the back of the door. 

_It was just a dream, just a dream. Not real. I didn’t go up the stairs with her. I didn’t. She danced away in the crowd._  
You didn’t even ask her name.  
 _Stop laughing. I wouldn’t hurt her, she was pretty. Hurting’s against the Rules._  
Sure, puppy. You always follow the Rules, don’t ya?  
 _The shadows did it! You did it!_  
Look in your pocket, puppy.  
 _No, I don’t want to._  
LOOK!

I slowly walked to the door, hands shaking. With a sigh of resignation, I reached into the pocket, closed my hand on the softness and pulled it out. The golden curls were still tied with a little red ribbon. 

 

oo~oo


	9. Chapter 9

oo~oo

 

I sat down on the bed in a daze and absently running the ponytail through my fingers. It took several minutes before I realized the shower was running. Sitting back in relief, I noticed the light in my head was gone, and when the light is gone, the shadows return. You can’t really kill a shadow. 

The lights were down past forty percent now, the room was pretty dim. Maybe the Doctor had ordered the TARDIS to dim the lights while I was unconscious, but they should have brightened the moment I moved. 

My boots were lined up at the foot of the bed, but I ignored them and padded to the bathroom door. Knocking softly I called the Doctor’s name. He didn’t hear me, but I heard him singing. Smiling, I rubbed my hand across the door. Nothing to worry about, the Doctor was just on the other side, a few feet away.

Finding a place to hide the golden curls so the Doctor didn’t see them was the next priority. Somehow I didn’t think he’d believe I didn’t do it. The curls were in my pocket after all. I almost didn’t believe it myself. I didn’t want to leave his room, and there really was no hiding place in here that he wouldn’t immediately see.

With a sigh, I stuffed them down one of my boots and climbed back in the bed. I’d pretend to be asleep when the Doctor came out. 

The singing stopped and I heard a thud inside the bathroom. Hesitating only slightly, I pushed the door open and saw the Doctor lying halfway out of the shower, water still running. Pulling him all the way out by his shoulders, I knelt down and bit my lip. He was unconscious and burning with fever.

“Doctor.” I whispered softly, running my hands across his chest, not knowing what to do beyond checking his hearts. “What should I do?”

At that moment the bedroom door crashed open and into the wall. 

“You bastard! What’ve you done to the Doctor!” Jack leaned heavily against the door, his hair all damp and stuck to his forehead. He’d taken off his coat and jacket and was down to shirt and braces. “Well you won’t get the TARDIS! The Doctor set the coordinates for Torchwood.” He staggered towards me, a look of rage distorting his face.

“Help me!” I cried dragging the Doctor further out into the room. “Something’s wrong with the Doctor!”

Jack snarled and bent to grab me, but fell headlong onto the floor. Wasting no time on him, I stood and lifted the Doctor, stepping over Jack to carry him back to bed. After covering him, I went back and dragged Jack out of the bathroom door and onto the bedroom carpet out of the way. He was burning with fever also, but not my first consideration. The Doctor came first. Always.

Grabbing some towels, I ran back to dry the Doctor off, absently noting the lights were dimmer and dimmer. Tossing clothes out of drawers to land wherever, I found his teddy bear pajamas and dressed him quickly, telling him over and over it was going to be ok. By the time I got him dressed and under the covers, the lights were almost gone. His face was calm and still, I’d never seen his face that still. 

“It should be me, not you. I should be the one. The shadows are inside me after all. You’re too alive to be like this. Wake up, please wake up.” My hands were trembling, but I kept touching his face, his hands. He couldn’t die. The Doctor couldn’t die. He wouldn’t die and leave me here alone.

Looking out into the hallway, I could see those lights were almost out too. The shadows were coming. I patted the Doctor’s face frantically begging him to wake up. Before the lights were completely gone, I climbed over the Doctor and pressed up against him, one hand over his chest, fisted in the pajamas, the other holding tightly to his. 

I wasn’t alone, he was here. He wasn’t awake, but he was here. Even Jack was here, not that I wanted to be with Jack, but it meant I wasn’t alone. The shadows couldn’t get me, I was a Time Lord. They couldn’t get the Doctor either as long as I held on to him. Close your eyes so they can’t get in. Doctor’s eyes were closed and so were Jack’s. The shadows couldn’t get us.

That’s not laughter, shadows don’t laugh.

Lie still. Jack said we were going to Torchwood. They’d help the Doctor. They had to. Lie still so the shadows won’t know you’re here. Keep very, very still.

oo~oo

Stop peeking, you idiot. _I want to see._ You want to see the shadows? What for? You know they’re out there, it’s too dark, the room is full of shadows. You want them to get in your head? _I hear something._ Shadows don’t make noise. Stop your whimpering, that’s what you hear. Be still, you want the shadows to hear you, puppy?

oo~oo

The Doctor’s burning up, go get a wet cloth and wipe him down. _Shadows._ I don’t care if the room is full of shadows. So what? You want the Doctor to burn up from fever? Get up and crawl to the bathroom if you have to, but get a wet cloth. Hurry up. And turn the damn shower off. Why did you leave it running? _Doctor._ Yeah? That was hours ago. 

You can’t hear anything over the water anyway. Oh, and throw a wet cloth on Jack as you go by. The Doctor won’t like it if you just let him lie there and burn up. _They’ll hear when I turn the water off._ Quit complaining and get in there. _It’s dark._ Of course it’s dark, the lights are out. How stupid are you?

About damn time. The shadows can see you moving no matter how slowly you go, so you might as well have hurried and gotten it over with. Find the Doctor dry pajamas, these are all wet, he’s burning up. Some Time Lord you are, can’t even find a pair of pajamas in the dark. The Doctor would be ashamed of you. _Loves me._ Yeah? Why would the Doctor love such a pathetic thing as you? _You know._

No, NO! You idiot, wipe him down, then put on the clean pajamas. Honestly, do I have to do everything myself? Those don’t match. _Dark._ Yes, it’s dark. Any fool can see they aren’t the same color. You think the Doctor wants to be found in mismatched pajamas? Get back over to that dresser and get the right ones. _Shadows._ Quit whining about shadows and take care of the Doctor. You’re the one threw them all over the floor. Look at everything he’s done for you and you just sit there whining about shadows. 

oo~oo

Peeking through my eyelashes, I saw the lights bobbing and weaving down the hall, before I heard them whispering. Something worse than the shadows then, shadows didn’t carry lights. 

“Where’s that coming from? It’s a Dalek, I’ve heard that sound before.”

“It’s not a Dalek, just sort of sounds like one. Why would the TARDIS be broadcasting a whispering Dalek voice?”

“It’s a Dalek I tell you.” 

“Shut up. You wouldn’t know a Dalek if it bit you on the ass. Daleks don’t whisper. Check every room.”

“Why? The Doctor wouldn’t send a dark, empty TARDIS to Torchwood.“

“Then look for some damn clues where the Doctor and the Captain might be.”

“Oh my…LOOK!” 

The lights shone in the doorway, bouncing across me and the Doctor. I held him tighter and turned my face into his shoulder. 

“Who is that? Listen, he’s whispering.” The lights came closer. “What’s he saying?”

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE. That’s the same sound. It’s him. Who is that?” The voices got louder. “Must be playing a recording through the TARDIS.”

“It’s the Doctor! And someone else…” Covers were jerked down and I turned and snarled at them, keeping tight hold of the Doctor. Wasn’t going to let them get the Doctor, even if they had lights.

“YOU!” The lights hit me in the face. Held my hand up to block the light, letting go of the Doctor. 

“The Captain’s here on the floor. He’s unconscious. Help me.”

“What did you do to the Doctor and the Captain, you monster!” The voices became shapes and hands, pulling at me and the Doctor, tearing us apart.

“No!” I shouted holding onto the Doctor and trying to hide my face. “NO, leave me alone!”

“Shoot him! It’s the Master!” 

“NO!” I screamed as they pulled me away from the Doctor, fighting the hands that held me. “Doctor!”

“Dammit, shoot him!” More voices and shouting and then silence.

oo~oo


	10. Chapter 10

oo~oo

 

 

I woke slowly, my head pounding. I couldn’t hear anything and this place smelled wrong. I couldn’t move my hands. Sitting up with a jerk, I blinked and looked around at blank cement walls and a cell door with a glass window. Pressing my back into the corner against the cold cement, I closed my eyes and started screaming for the Doctor. Handcuffed hands held over my head protectively, didn’t do anything to muffle the sound.

Sometime later, someone opened the door and a dark-haired woman stood there. I only looked up to see if the Doctor was behind her. He wasn’t.

“How are you doing that?” She took one step into the cell and looked around. “This is a soundproof room.”

“Where’s the Doctor?” I asked civilly. I could be civil for a few minutes anyway. “I want to see the Doctor.”

“How are you doing that? We can hear you screaming everywhere.” She seemed perplexed and annoyed. I didn’t care. I wanted the Doctor. He’d left me alone again.

“Forget that, ask him what he did to them.” A man stood behind her, holding a strange looking gun on me. “They’re in some kind of coma. I can’t do anything.”

“Where’s the Doctor?” I asked slowly this time, since she seemed to have trouble understanding me. “The Doctor? You remember? Tall, slender, spiky-hair? The Time Lord in pajamas you ripped out of my arms?”

“If I tell you where he is, will you stop screaming his name?” She asked tilting her head, making her dark hair fall across her cheek. “Don’t make me sedate you again.”

“I want the Doctor.” I was done being civil since it hadn’t worked. Leaning my head against the wall, I closed my eyes and ignored them.

“You know how to fix the Captain.” A third man spoke. “All you have to do is shoot him. He’ll come back in five minutes and he can tell us what that bastard did to them.”

“I’m not shooting the Captain, if we don’t have to.” The woman answered. “He wants the Doctor. And he doesn’t seem to recognize any of us.”

“Shoot him while you’re at it.” The guy that wanted to shoot Jack spoke. “That’s one way to make the Captain very happy.”

“But not the Doctor.” The woman answered. “Don’t shoot him till he tells us what’s wrong with them.”

“I want the Doctor.” I said louder since we seemed to be getting off track here. 

“Wait one more day.” The woman answered. “You shut up, you’re not getting the Doctor till you tell us what you did to him. Best you’ll get is a needle in the neck.”

“Doctor!” I screamed, putting my head back down. The sound reverberated nicely through the walls. “DOCTOR!”

“Just shoot the bastard.” The third man urged. I opened my eyes to see if they would.

“No! Go get the tranquilizer gun.” The woman pulled him aside and slammed the cell door. I ignored them and went on screaming for the Doctor. The lock snicked into place.

oo~oo

Eons later, the cell opened again and Jack stood there. He’d found another jacket and looked a bit worse for wear.

“Shut up and tell me what you did to us.” He held blasters in both hands. “It was that thing with the soul-eater, wasn’t it?”

“Where’s the Doctor? Why isn’t he here?” I glared at him. “I want the Doctor!”

“We were almost blue!” Jack shouted, taking a step in the room. “Look at your palms, they’re blue. Tell me what you did?” Another step in.

“I want the Doctor!” Screaming at him didn’t seem to be getting through. “Let him come see me, please.” Please might not work on Jack, he seemed very angry. I hoped he didn’t take this opportunity to kill me. “Please.” I’d beg if I had to.

“The Doctor is still unconscious you idiot!” Two more steps in the room. “If you want to help him, tell us what happened. Think about something besides what you want for a minute.”

“I don’t know! He was fine, then he collapsed in the shower and was burning up with fever. It was too dark to see what color he was. I would never, ever hurt the Doctor.”

“The Doctor believes this amnesia act of yours, but I don’t ok? Too many little things don’t add up. You know the TARDIS, you knew just how to drain the soul-eater.” Jack frowned at him. “I heard what you did when Gallifrey appeared in the sky, about the energy bolts you used.” Jack pulled the door shut behind him and leaned against it putting one blaster in his pocket.

“I don’t remember.” There was no point in trying to convince him of anything, he hated me. Didn’t matter if it was old me or new me.

“I really don’t see why the Doctor puts up with you. Why he wouldn’t let us kill you on the Valliant. Why he let you on the TARDIS now. Why he puts up with your mauling hands on him all the time.”

This was promising. “Jealous, Jack?” A nice sly grin to annoy him. “Did you think the Doctor was gonna be all yours?” Chuckling softly, I tried to figure what would get him angry enough to step away from the door. “I see how it is… you play both sides of the street.” I nodded knowingly at him. While not getting me any closer to the Doctor, it did alleviate the boredom and annoyed Jack. And most importantly, it kept me from being alone, if only for a little while.

“Actually,” Jack grinned tossing his head, bragging a bit. “I’ve been known to take a walk down the alley a time or two.”

I stared at him, trying to keep the grin off my face and not succeeding very well. “You think that makes you attractive to the Doctor? Or are you counting on the pheromones?” I could sense them, but they had little effect on a Time Lord.

“The Doctor likes me! He trusts me!” How quickly that grin turned to a glare. Really, this was too easy. It was going to get boring in a hurry, but I wasn’t alone, even if it was only Jack.

“He loves me.” I said it quietly, gently. “Has he ever told you that? Ever told anyone? I’m willing to bet not. Not even that blond pet he used to have. Rose? Was it?” Kept the amusement out of my eyes and just looked at him. “He loves me.”

“That’s a lie! He said there was nothing going on! The Doctor doesn’t lie! Besides, I thought you didn’t remember anything? Caught out in your own game?” He gave a short laugh and shook his head.

“The Doctor shared some memories when we were in the maze.” Memories of my own to keep forever. “And no, he doesn’t lie. That’s why he’s never said it to anyone else.” 

“You lie. You don’t know how to tell the truth.” He spat at me standing up and taking a step away from the door. One more Jack, just one more.

“Ask him.” I taunted sliding up the wall, till I was standing. “Ask him yourself. No? Ok, I’ll ask him.” He took a step toward me and I took one step toward him. “What will you say then? Huh Jack? What will you say when the Doctor says he loves me.”

“You’ll trick him into saying something….It doesn’t matter, he’s still unconscious. He’ll have to wake up before he says anything.” Another step. Too bad Jack. _Freak._

“I’ll make sure he says it slowly, so you can understand.” With a grin, I took two quick steps, used the chain on the handcuffs to twist the blaster out of his hand, flipping my hands up around his neck to strangle him with the chain before he could take a breath. Jerking him down to the floor, I kicked him in the gut and ran for the door. Idiot hadn’t even locked it. Pulled it open and took a deep breath, feeling for the Doctor.

Brushed aside the woman outside and was down the hall. _Doctor where are you? Where are you?_ Closed my eyes while running and had to backtrack. No, _that_ hallway, _those_ stairs. There was shouting and pounding feet behind me, but no shots.

Pushed the door open and fell into the room. The Doctor was strapped to a hospital bed, writhing feverishly, and yes, his skin was slightly blue. Looked at my palms and they were a bright blue. Damn soul-eater.

Heard some noise at the door and I turned to growl at them. “What the hell did you do to him!” Walking quickly to his side, I lifted a hand to touch his hair, but the handcuffs were in the way. With a growl, I burned them and shook them off, slinging them at the door. Jack and the woman stood there staring at me in shock.

Turning back to the Doctor, I gently brushed my fingers across his brow. He immediately stopped thrashing and calmed down, turning his face toward my hand. _Doctor._

“Shoot him.” The woman tried to push past Jack.

“No.” He answered. “Look, he’s quieted the Doctor.”

“He’s going to kill him.” Another man’s voice at the door. The third man downstairs at the cell. “You can’t chance the Doctor’s life for his.”

“The Doctor trusted him.” Jack said slowly. “Let him be for a bit. He can’t steal the TARDIS and he can’t get outside. At least he’ll be quiet for a while. Maybe he can help the Doctor.” He walked in and sat down at a desk and watched me.

Dismissing them, I brushed my hand across the restraints holding the Doctor down, pulled them away and climbed up into the bed, fitting myself into the space along one side of the rails. Wiggling around I reached for the Doctor’s hand meaning to thread my fingers in his when I saw the blue stains on his palm and fingers, the hand he grabbed the soul-eater with. Contact poison? Sitting up again, I opened his hand and examined it carefully. Jack sat up, watching closely.

Thinking furiously, I pressed the Doctor’s blue marks against my blue palm and _sucked_ with my mind. Something similar to how I drained the creature of energy, only this time I was feeling for the poison, Sweat broke out on my forehead, and I felt dizzy before I found something that didn’t belong. 

I didn’t touch his memories or his mind, just the chemical composition of his body. Not that he would have minded, but I didn’t want to accidently trigger a memory of me, evil me—the Master—or something I’d done. I didn’t want to know. More than that, I didn’t want to know what the Doctor felt seeing me— _him._

Certain I’d gotten most of the poison out, I lay my head on his shoulder and snuggled closer. His breathing had eased a bit so I closed my eyes, to rest for a moment. The Doctor’s hand in mine, it was safe to rest for a moment. Just a moment.

 

oo~oo

 

_One. Two. Three. FOUR. One. Two. Three. FOUR. One. Two. Three. FOUR._

_Remember the DRUMS, puppy. Pounding a rhythm to the brain, just like the song says._

_One. Two. Three. FOUR. One. Two. Three. FOUR. One. Two. Three. FOUR._

_What happened to the drums, puppy? Where did the drums go?_

 

oo~oo


	11. Chapter 11

oo~oo

 

“Come on Doc. The TARDIS needs fixed, you can’t lie there all day.” Jack’s voice woke, me and I snuggled deeper into the Doctor. “How did he get out of the handcuffs?”

“No lock could hold the Master for long, perhaps he’s remembered that part.” The Doctor put his hand over mine and squeezed.

“Well at least he can’t get out of here.” Jack sighed. “You didn’t give him a key to the TARDIS did you?”

“No, but I wouldn’t bet against him.” I felt the Doctor shrug. “Don’t worry about him, he won’t leave me.”

“This is all his fault anyway. You should never have taken him on the TARDIS.”

“I told you to stay out of the maze, Jack. Why does no one ever listen to me?” The Doctor sighed. “The soul-eater wouldn’t have bothered me or Koschei. But you were irresistible.” 

“Don’t try blaming me for this.” Jack said. “Leave him, there’s stuff I need to show you.”

“I’m not leaving him.” The Doctor’s voice rumbled under my cheek. Head on his chest, he had an arm around me. My hand was fisted in his pajamas. “He’ll wake up soon. It’s just an electrical problem of some sort. You worry too much Jack.”

“He’s a grown man, Doc. Not a little kid that needs held all the time.” Jack said impatiently. “A grown man afraid of the dark.” He laughed derisively. 

The Doctor was silent for a moment and when he spoke his voice was serious. “The dark? You should know about the things in the dark Jack. The things you feel out there in the dark before you come back to life. From your description, that’s the void. That’s where he was. Lost in the void.”

“Fine.” Jack said in a throbbing voice. “I’m sure there’s some paperwork I could do.” He slammed the door behind him, letting it bang it open again as he left.

The Doctor chuckled and shifted his arm. “I know you’re awake. You ready to get up?”

“No.” I tightened my fist. “It’s safe here. You’re here.”

“Koschei.” The Doctor sighed. “I told you to run. You almost burned up.” 

“Time Lords don’t run. You said so.” I answered stubbornly. Run and leave the Doctor? Run right back into the shadows? Not likely.

“You were lucky. Very few things can survive a soul-eater’s touch. And now you’re full of that blue poison. You’ll have to get rid of that.” 

Making a little noise of agreement, I decided I was saving that for something special. Someone special. Speak of the devil, Jack was back at the door. Before he could speak, I asked the Doctor why he was so nice to me.

“I care about you.” He said ruffling my hair. Smirky eyes on Jack, I asked the question I already knew the answer to.

“Do you love me?” Jack opened his mouth to say something, then shook his head at me warningly.

“You know I do.” The Doctor laughed and I smiled inside at the look on Jack’s face. Hours alone in the cell had been worth that. I knew the Doctor loved me, he’d let that slip along with the memories in the maze. Maybe Jack would leave us alone now.

Since then I hadn’t worried so much that he would send me back or make me leave. I had a place forever with him. That was worth anything. The Doctor loved me.

 

oo~oo


	12. Chapter 12

oo~oo

I jerked awake shaking from another nightmare, fists clenched in my hair and a scream on my lips. Deep breath. Another. This one was different though. This one was full of bogeymen and I was a happy Doctor Frankenstein in a huge lab with and lots of experiments, lots and lots of blood.

_The sky is like diamonds._

_Little flying silver spheres big enough to hold one head, one mind with lots of sharp, retractable blades. Many prototypes came and went before I was satisfied. Good thing I had a time machine. I would win this time, he couldn’t stop me. No way in hell could he stop my new friends, the Toclafane. I’d burn his precious earth to ash and laugh at him. I would WIN._

oo~oo

“Koschei?” The Doctor stood by the desk staring at me, dropping the paper in his hand. “Did you have another nightmare?” He started walking over to the hospital bed where I was. I didn’t remember falling asleep. 

The images screamed in my mind—flashing by at the speed of light. It was real. I’d done that. NO, _he’d_ done that, not me. I made a scared little noise. Too many shadows in my head, too many nightmares. _He_ was waking up and _he_ wanted free. It was only a matter of time.

The Doctor reached for me and I scrambled over the rail and stumbled to the floor to get away from him, putting the bed between us. The Doctor frowned and said my name again. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. Maybe it was another pane. Asking him was out of the question. Chopping up people to create monsters was definitely against the Rules.

“Koschei…” He walked closer staring at my face intently as I backed away from him, edging towards the door. “You’re terrified.” He frowned. “What did you dream about?”

I shook my head and kept backing up till I was against the wall beside the door. He slowed his steps bit still walked closer, stopping only when his shoes almost touched my bare feet. I watched his hand reach up and take my chin, lifting my head to look at him. Instead I closed my eyes and shivered under his touch.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” He said softly. “What are you afraid of?” His hand still held my chin. I swallowed hard and slid down the wall to sit on the floor, knees up. He came down with me, crouching in front of me. At least he wasn’t holding my chin anymore.

“I…” Barely making a sound, I dared to look up at him. “The sky is like diamonds…” I whispered hoarsely.

“What?” He frowned. “Diamonds? Never mind, it was just a dream.” He reached for my hand to pull me up. “It’s gone now.” I pulled my hands away and tucked them behind my back and felt something—the handcuffs.

“A p…p..pane.” I stuttered. “I … _HE_ did that...” The floor was the only safe place to look. “It’s wrong.” Rules. Rules. Rules. There are dire consequences if you break the Rules.

oo~oo

 

Rules, puppy? You make me laugh. What about the golden curls? Wasn’t that against the Rules?

_I didn’t do it!_

You strangled an innocent girl and now you’re balking at a little scientific experiment? There was nothing for those people in Utopia. I saved them. She was nobody, you didn’t even ask her name.

_You killed her! It wasn’t me! You’re the monster!_

Look at your hands, the hands of a killer and say that again.

_The Shadows did it!_  
oo~oo

 

“Calm down and tell me what you dreamed.” He sat down the floor to get more comfortable. He’d gotten dressed, must have gone back to the TARDIS, with the shadows. “It’s probably not as bad as it seems.”

“Not as bad as it seems?” I looked at him in confusion. Six billion people turned into silver monsters and it wasn’t as bad as it seemed? Six billion monsters to destroy the earth, just to hurt the Doctor? Just to win the game? That was worse than _wrong._

No wonder I was out in the void. I should’ve never left. I belonged there, forever.

“Toclafane. Ring any bells Doctor?” Taking a deep breath, I looked up to see the emotions play across his face. Anger, frustration, sadness. I had to close my eyes before I saw anymore. It was real, it had happened. I’d done that. 

 

“It never happened. We destroyed the paradox—“

“NO!” I shouted at him. _“You_ know! _I_ know! It HAPPENED.”

“Koschei, listen.” The Doctor put his hand on my arm. “It wasn’t—” _Don’t touch me_ was all I could think. I am poison and full of shadows. _You can’t touch me._

“That’s why I was in the void wasn’t it? I broke the Rules.”

“Koschei, we’re Time Lords, remember. The Rules don’t apply to us… _we_ make the Rules. Besides, it was undone—.” 

“The rules don’t apply to us? Isn’t that why Gallifrey had to burn? Because Time Lords thought the Rules didn’t apply to them.” I shook my head at him. “They did unspeakable things because they decided the Rules didn’t apply to them.” Couldn’t he see it was the same thing, if not worse?

“Koschei?” He looked at me in surprise. “Are you getting memories back?” 

Without thinking, I brought the handcuffs around and snapped one end on his wrist and the other around a pipe going down the wall beside me. Jumping away from him, I laughed nervously at his astonished face, watching as he jerked on the cuff / looked up at me in shock. 

“Shadows Doctor. You didn’t listen when I told you about the shadows.” I opened the door and looked out into the hall. “They have to be put back. _He_ has to be put back.” Looked down at him one more time. “Goodbye.” I whispered, closing the door gently behind me. “Rules are Rules.”

Resting my head against the back of the door, I listened to him shout and closed my eyes to locate the TARDIS. _There._ Memorizing the route, I patted the door once and started running. My boots were still beside the Doctor’s bed on the TARDIS. I’d get them later, along with my golden trophy, but first I had to collect the shadows in Torchwood. Hopefully they hadn’t settled on anyone.

Didn’t meet anyone before I found the TARDIS, but someone hit the alarm so it wouldn’t be long before I was discovered. I went around to the back of the TARDIS and with one hand on the blue box, I called to the Shadows. _Here I am. Come and get me._

It didn’t take long for them to start converging on the floor. My very own personal shadows. I laughed a bit hysterically and welcomed them home.

When the lights in Torchwood were back to 100%, I knew all the shadows were in me and slipped around to the front of the TARDIS, holding to the sides at all times. I could hear running footsteps coming and barely made it around front to snap my fingers at the doors. They opened silently and I half-fell inside, hearing them slam shut behind me. 

_Pounding a rhythm to the brain._ I hummed the song softly.

Flipping the little lock, I slid down to sit on the floor with my back against the doors. I could hear the Doctor and Jack pounding and shouting outside. Sitting in the darkness, except for the faint blue-greenish glow of the console. 

Looking down at my hands, wiggling my fingers as the blue light dripped one drop at a time, hissing when it hit the floor. Looked up slowly, waiting. 

_I’m here. Where are you?_

_Don’t be shy. Come on, let’s play a little game. Just you and me._

_Ah. There you are. I’ve been waiting for you._

 

oo~oo


	13. Chapter 13

Opening my eyes and biting back a moan, I blinked at the bright light as someone helped me sit up. Silhouetted against the light, I blinked at the Doctor. Captain Jack Harkness stood beside him, arms folded across his chest. 

“Isn’t this sweet. I see you brought the freak.” The Doctor jumped back with a gasp. “Did you miss me?” I asked stumbling to my feet, leaning clumsily against the console. “I see the TARDIS is looking good.” A sharp pain in my head caused me to blink suddenly.

“Oh fuck no.” Jack shook his head. “I told you.” He threw his hands up in the air. Very entertaining, the freak.

“Shut up freak. No one’s talking to you.” Frowning at him, I forced my hand away from my head. “So what now Doctor? What? No big thank you for saving your life? I could’ve let Rassilon kill you, but nooooooo, I had to be a hero.” I grinned ruefully at his astonished face. “And look what it got me.” 

“Where’s Koschei?” The Doctor took a step closer to me, but stopped at my upraised hand. Knees buckling, I grabbed the console. If only the monster in my head would stop making that racket.

“That pathetic puppy? I ate him. Ahhhh!” Bending over in sudden agony, clutching desperately at the console, knuckles white, I fought for control. Rising slowly, I focused on the Doctor.

“I’m here Doctor, but he’s very strong. I have to be quick.” I held out my hand out to him and he slowly walked over to take it, concern making his eyes wrinkle. The Captain was making nononono noises, but the Doctor ignored him.

“I can help you. We’ll get this sorted out.” He squeezed my hand and tried to hold my hand in both of his. His soft hands and sad eyes, one last time touching me. “Hold on Koschei.”

“Goodbye Doctor. Thank you for giving me a place.” My face twisting with the pain, I looked around one more time. “I can’t hold him for long.” Grabbing the hammer on the console in my other hand I stared at the Doctor, memorizing his face, squeezed his hand. I would never forget him.

Dropping his hand, I let go and the last thing I saw was the Doctor’s face screaming NO.

oo~oo

 

When I opened my eyes again I was in the eye of the whirlwind. Screaming with rage, I used the hammer to smash the panes and laughed hysterically as they flew away into the nothingness. It took a long time before all that was left were tiny shards, racing by, leaving behind drops of blood on my fingers. Not many left now, pieces flying away to be lost in the darkness. I forced myself to ignore the golden threads blowing in tatters as they drifted away. 

Soon I’d be alone in the dark, not even a shadow for company. Idly I wondered if I would break apart and drift away in little pieces like the panes.

oo~oo

As the last of the shards disappeared in the distance, I heard a loud whining, squealing noise and turned around to see a blue box appear out of nowhere. The doors opened and a man stood there holding his hand out to me. The man with the sad eyes. I’d seen his face and the blue box on panes before I smashed them.

I sighed and lifted the hammer. This was a very large pane, but they all had to go. Rules are Rules. Blood made the hammer slippery and I almost dropped it. Would it fall or float away or just hang there in the nothingness, like me.

“Koschei!” Closer now, almost within reach. “Take my hand!” 

NO!” The man in the blue box shouted, reaching for me. That was new. He grabbed my arm, jerked me inside the blue box and we both fell, my head slammed against something as we tumbled across the floor. 

“Oww!” Sitting up, I rubbed my head, one hand touched the floor and then caressed it. It felt real. The man with the sad eyes sat up and pulled me into a tight hug.

“You’re real.” I touched him with both hands, eyes filled with wonder, hammer forgotten. “You’re real!” Tears stung my eyes and I swiped at them impatiently. He was _real._

He laughed and hugged me tight. “I’m real.” He agreed. “So are you.”

He pulled me up and held out my bleeding hands, examining them. “Let’s get you fixed up.” He started walking toward the stairs, tugging me along behind him.

“Who are you?” I asked looking around as I followed him. 

“I’m the Doctor.” He smiled back at me, his eyes not sad anymore.

“Do you know who I am?” If he was real, he might know. He might.

“Of course I do.” He laughed. “You’re my little brother.”

 

oo~oo

 

_Finis_

 

oo~oo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the sweet, gentle ending.  
> There will be another fic posted - the Alternate very slashy explicit ending where they are definitely NOT brothers and lovers would be too soft a word to describe what they are to each other. It will be posted as a new fic


End file.
